The Joke Thread

[D&D]

[svmariane]

And only because the young lady put herself into the news again....


There was the gay Jewish lad who called his Jewish mother to tell her he's switched, met a wonderful girl, and was getting married.

"Oh, thank God. Tell me about her."

"Well, she's also Jewish. I think she's beautiful. Her father is a dentist and she's a college graduate."

"She sounds wonderful. What's her name?"

"Monica Lewinsky."


Long pause, followed by "Whatever happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating?"

[Andrew Troup]

I was reminded of this by the discussion about autopsies in relation to Rebel Heart:

A prosecuting attorney insists on a rottweiler line of questioning, intended to cast doubt on whether the subject of an autopsy was truly dead at the time.

He is not mollified, even when the person conducting the autopsy confirms that the subject’s brain was in a jar in the surgeon’s office at the time.

“Nevertheless, you admit that you did not check that Mr Ambrose was in fact deceased. It is in fact possible that such a person could still be alive, is it not?”

“Yes indeed, it is conceivable” (loud gasp from courtroom).

After a long pause for effect, the expert witness continued: “under extraordinary circumstances, a person whose brain had been removed might remain alive in some extremely limited way ...

to a sufficient extent to be practicing, say, as a prosecuting attorney”

[Canibul]

ah, lawyer jokes! this should be good.

[carstenb]

Why don't lawyers fear Falling overboard and being eaten by sharks?

Sharks don't eat lawyers due to professional courtesy.

[sailorboy1]

lawyers leave a bad taste in your mouth, even if you are a shark

[carstenb]

The two lions were walking single file through the bush when suddenly then lead lion felt something wet run across his bunghole.

"Did you just lick me in my a**? he asked the lion behind him.

"Yeah," the lion replied. "I just ate a lawyer and had to do something to get the bad taste out of my mouth"

[Weatherhelm]

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?


When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.


The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.


While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Will we be stuck in Heaven together forever?"


Another month passed St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."


Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"


St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.


What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.


"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[Weatherhelm]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" ...
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[Weatherhelm]

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a
blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[Canibul]

Know why lawyers wear neckties?

(It keeps the foreskin from slipping up and covering their faces.)

Know the diff between a lawyer and a buzzard?

(Buzzards don't accumulate frequent flyer miles.)

Difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
(the hooker stops screwing you after you're dead)

[crazyoldboatguy]

Being married to a wonderful woman who happens to be an attorney, I suppose I could be offended by the drift of this joke stream. However, some of my best lawyer jokes come from her.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

2 car crashes. In one, a lawyer is run down. In the other a dog is run down. How do you tell the difference? Skid marks in front of the dog.

What does a swan do, that a goose tries to do, that a duck wants to do that a lawyer oughta do? Take his bill and shove it up his @$$.

3 persons are shipwrecked on an island. One is a priest, the second is a rabbi and the third is a lawyer. They are actually quite close to safety - just a mile off the mainland with many folks there urging the castaways to make a swim for it. However, the strait is filled with great white sharks. The priest decides to take a chance - he says a prayer and dives in, only to be immediately devoured by the sharks. The rabbi follows, after saying a prayer, and is also quickly eaten. The crowd on shore is watching as the lawyer enters the waters and is immediately picked up and carried to rescue while the awaiting throng is amazed. When asked why the sharks had eaten the pious religious leaders but not him, the lawyer responded - "why, professional courtesy, of course".

A lawyer is cross-examining the victim in an assault case. The witness is asked, "were you shot in the fracas?". To which the victim answers, "no, I was shot midway between the bellybutton and the fracas". True story.

[Curmudgeon]

A short one:

What happens when you cross a lawyer with a snake?
(Incest)

A long one:

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[Coops]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... We can't hire you!"

"Wait," the man says: "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country."
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Coops.

[D&D]

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ...."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f----d."