The Joke Thread

[Dune]

Junior grew up fishing with his grandfather. He loved to fish more than anything.
Then Junior met Abby.
After a long courtship Junior and Abby decided to take the plunge. The ceremony was a beautiful one at the local marina. Both families and friends had a great time. Eventually the newlyweds retired for the night.
Later in the evening, Grandpa noticed that Junior was down on the dock fishing.
Grandpa, “What are you doing son?”
Junior, “I’m fishing.”
Grandpa, “But, it’s your wedding night. You should be consummating your marriage.”
Junior, “Can’t do that Grandpa.”
Grandpa, “Why in the world not?”
Junior, “Well, Abby has gonorrhea, so sex is out of the question.”
Grandpa, “You have to do something, how about taking the ‘other road’?
Junior, “Can’t do that either Grandpa. She has diarrhea.”
Grandpa, “Oh my! That is a problem. You must do something on your wedding night. How about a BJ at least?”
Junior, “No can do, turns out Abby has pyorrhea too.”
Grandpa, “My God son, why in the world did you marry that plagued woman anyways?”
Junior, “Well Grandpa, she also has worms, and you know how much I love to fish.”

[mmckee1952]

Just in case you haven't seen this before...

ON JULY 20, 1969 , AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL
ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
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HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,
ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
> >>> >
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK 'GOOD
LUCK, MR. GORSKY.'

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIE T COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR
AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
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OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO
WHAT THE'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY... STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
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> >>> >
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-
YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
> >>> >
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE
QUESTION.
> >>> >
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH
LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
> >>> >
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
> >>> >
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY
SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
> >>> >
'SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE
MOON!'

[mmckee1952]

Best divorce letter ever

Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving to Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still ! loved y ou & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P..S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.. I hope that's not a problem.

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Exercise for people over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

[mmckee1952]

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.



As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.



He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[mmckee1952]

10 pearls of wisdom


1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.


2. A penny saved is a government oversight.


3. The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement.


4. He who hesitates is probably right.


5. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for 40 are XL.


6. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven?t met everybody.


7. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


8. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words ?The? and ?IRS? together it spells ?Theirs.?


9. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.


10. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

[mmckee1952]

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night,
Lena vakes Ole and says,
I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her
to the
hospital to have their first baby. She had a little
boy, and the doctor looked over
at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!'
Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the
doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little
girl.
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's
a pretty little ting, too.'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the
doctor said,
'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The
doctor then delivered
another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three
children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he
asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
Lena said,
'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the
garage
and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'



Ole said,
'Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40.

[GordMay]

"Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for 40 are XL?"
I don’t get it.

[Gator81]

HER DIARY:
Tonight I thought my husband was behaving strangely. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.






HIS DIARY:
Boat motor wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out. At least I got laid.

[Christian Van H]

Originally Posted by GordMay

"Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for 40 are XL?"
I don’t get it.

My best take is a waist size joke...

[mmckee1952]

BOB & THE BLONDE
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> The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
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> The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
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> Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump.."
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> The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
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> Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
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> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
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> The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
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> Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
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> The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
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> Bob took the money...

[mmckee1952]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Floridaback there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[mmckee1952]

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom.
<aoladp://MA21610586-0002/image0011.jpg>
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

O k, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No...I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously....


"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don't you just love them.

[mmckee1952]

INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks.. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they use d for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (andEngland ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/ procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

[TaoJones]

McKee's "joke" makes for an interesting read, but it has no basis in historical fact. From Wikipedia:

"Historically, the choice of gauge was partly arbitrary and partly a response to local conditions. Narrow-gauge railways are cheaper to build and can negotiate sharper curves but broad-gauge railways give greater stability and permit higher speeds. Standard gauge is a compromise between the narrow and broad gauges.

"Early origins of the standard gauge

"There is a story that standard gauge was derived from the rutways created by war chariots used by Imperial Rome, which everyone else had to follow to preserve their wagon wheels, and because Julius Caesar set this width under Roman law so that vehicles could traverse Roman villages and towns without getting caught in stone ruts of differing widths. Another example is Qin Shihuang's law of a standard gauge for carriages and chariots after his unification of China. A problem with this story is that the Roman military did not use chariots in battle. However an equal gauge is probably coincidence. Excavations at the buried cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum revealed ruts averaging 1,448 mm (4 ft 9 in) centre to centre, with a gauge of 1,372 mm (4 ft 6 in).
"The designers of both chariots and trams and trains were dealing with a similar issue, hauling wheeled vehicles behind draft animals. A more likely theory as to why the 1,435 mm (4 ft 8+1⁄2 in) measurement was chosen is that it reflects vehicles with a 1,524 mm (5 ft) "outside" gauge.
Italy defined its gauges from the centres of each rail [1], rather than the inside edges of the rails, giving some unusual measurements (for example, 950 mm instead of 1000 mm). According to the law of 28 July 1879, the only legal gauges in Italy were 1500, 1000 and 750 mm measured to the middle of the rail, corresponding to 1445, 950, and 700 mm inside the rail.

"Standard gauge

"Main article: Standard gauge
"What became the standard gauge of 4 ft 8+1⁄2 in (1,435 mm) was chosen for the first main-line railway, the Liverpool and Manchester Railway (L&MR), by the British engineer George Stephenson; the de facto standard for the colliery railways where Stephenson had worked was 4 ft 8 in (1,422 mm). Whatever the origin of the gauge, it seemed to be a satisfactory choice, not too narrow and not too wide."

Much more is available here:

Rail gauge - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

TaoJones