The Joke Thread

[Canibul]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

That dude has way too much time on his hands...

It's all water under the bridge.

[Dockhead]

A couple of Eastern Baltic jokes:

Two Estonian guys went to St. Petersburg to see the big city. Naturally, the first thing they seek out is a house of ill repute. They say to the manager: "We'd like two tall African girls, 20 years old, with size 5 breasts, please." "No problem -- that will cost you 45,000 rubles each." "Ow, we don't have that kind of money. So let us have two beautiful Swedish blondes, with size 4 breasts, 25 years old, please." No problem; that will cost you 25,000 rubles each." "Ow, we don't have that kind of money. So how about two nice Russian girls, 35 years old." "No problem; that will cost you 15,000 rubles each." "Ow, we don't have that kind of money. How about one Ukrainian girl, legs not too crooked, any age? We'll share." "No problem; that will cost you 6,000 rubles total." "Ow, that's still too expensive!" "Well, for God's sake, how much money do you have?" "What do you have for 3,000 rubles?" "For 3,000 rubles, you can just go away and f*** each other!"

An hour later, the two Estonians come back and ask -- "So, now who are we supposed to pay the 3,000 rubles to?"


* * * *

When Finland finally joined the EU after long negotiations, the final condition was that after Finland's accession, all cash machines in Europe, after 15 minutes of inactivity after the user inserted the bank card, would automatically switch over to the Finnish language.

[Pelagic]

An honest opinion on cheap flights...couldn't have said it better.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/HPyl2tOaKxM

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

An honest opinion on cheap flights...couldn't have said it better.

Cheap Flights with subtitles - YouTube

Feckin' plastic - Hilarious!

[GordMay]

I’ve finally finished reading the internet, front to back.
I thought the ending was a little weak. I should have just rented the movie.

First ➥ The World Wide Web project
to
Last ➥ End of the Internet

Alt' ending ➥ The Last Page of the Internet

[Canibul]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I’ve finally finished reading the internet, front to back.
I thought the ending was a little weak. I should have just rented the movie.

First ➥ The World Wide Web project
to
Last ➥ End of the Internet

Alt' ending ➥ The Last Page of the Internet

Thank god. Now maybe I can get some real work done.

[D&D]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two
> large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."



"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer."


"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"


"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is
next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off... kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it? 'So, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers and every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.'"



"That seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Not everybody pays."

[Adventurebound]

Originally Posted by D&D

' and every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I grab hold of it

Funny, I recognize that scene from another site.

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileInCyberspace...

When you think about how huge the earth is,
and how it's a fraction the size of the sun,
which is just a speck of dust in the entire universe...
It's easy to rationalize drinking an entire case of beer.



And in breaking news...



Boater's anti-boarder security device that automatically aims itself at intruders...

Options Available:

single barrel, single shot
double barrel, two shots
semi-automatic action
three, five or seven-shot feedtube {semi-auto version only}
gauge: 10, 12, or 20

Notes:

a) 10 gauge model requires more robust "carrying mechanism".
b) "My Mad Dog" brand pet food sold separately.
.
.

[Adventurebound]

Send me seven shot semi-automatic and a couple hundred pounds of mad dog pet food. Where do I get the mad dog? Maybe from one of the friendly debt collectors that 'visit' me regularily.

[Coops]

Very funny mastercard ad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJbtFAmXPkY

Coops.

[Ex-Calif]

I sure wish I knew whom to give credit...

I must go down to the sea again, in a modern high-tech boat,
And all I ask is electric, for comfort while afloat,
And alternators, and solar panels, and generators going,
And deep cycle batteries with many amperes flowing.

I must go down to the sea again, to the autopilot’s ways,
And all I ask is a GPS, and a radar, and displays,
And a cell phone, and a weatherfax, and a shortwave radio,
And compact disks, computer games and TV videos.

I must go down to the sea again, with a freezer full of steaks,
And all I ask is a microwave, and a blender for milkshakes,
And a watermaker, air-conditioner, hot water in the sink,
And e-mail and a VHF to see what my buddies think.

I must go down to the sea again, with power-furling sails,
And chart displays of all the seas, and a bullhorn for loud hails,
And motors pulling anchor chains, and push-button sheets,
And programs which take full charge of tacking during beats.

I must go down to the sea again, and not leave friends behind,
And so they never get seasick we’ll use the web online,
And all I ask is an Internet with satellites over me,
And beaming all the data up, my friends sail virtually.

I must go down to the sea again, record the humpback whales,
Compute until I decipher their language and their tales,
And learn to sing in harmony, converse beneath the waves,
And befriend the gentle giants as my synthesizer plays.

I must go down to the sea again, with RAM in gigabytes,
and teraflops of processing for hobbies that I like,
And software suiting all my wants, seated at my console
And pushing on the buttons which give me complete control.

I must go down to the sea again, my concept seems quite sound,
But when I simulate this boat, some problems I have found.
The cost is astronomical, repairs will never stop,
Instead of going sailing, I’ll be shackled to the dock.

I must go down to the sea again, how can I get away?
Must I be locked in low-tech boats until my dying day?
Is there no cure for my complaint, no technologic fix?
Oh, I fear this electric fever is a habit I can’t kick.

[Ex-Calif]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ?..the United States Marines ... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs".

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!

Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was a yacht captain!"

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

I sure wish I knew whom to give credit...

I must go down to the sea again, in a modern high-tech boat,

Jerry Hickson. "Electric Fever".

The earliest reference to it that I can find is in 2001.

[CharlzO]

There was this poor farming family, their prized possession being a milk cow, that gave very high grade milk. They would use the milk to make cheese and other products and sell the excess at market to get food.

One day the farmer woke up and saw outside, that the milk cow was dead. Distraught, he hanged himself in the barn.

His wife woke up, went outside and saw the milk cow dead, and her husband dead. Overcome with grief, she threw herself into the creek and drowned herself.

The oldest son woke up, and went outside. There was the milk cow dead, his father dead, and her mother on the bank washed up, dead, and a female Leprechaun on the shore. The leprechaun said to him, "having a rough day?" He replied "I sure am". She said "I'll make a deal with you. If you can make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back to life, even the milk cow". He said well, I'm strong enough, you're attractive enough, I'll have a go. He didn't quite make it, so the female leprechaun killed him.

The middle son woke up, went outside, and there was the cow dead, father and mother are dead, his brother dead, and there's the female leprechaun. She said "Having a bad day are you?" He said "I should say so". She said "I'll make you a deal. If you can make love to me ten times in a row without stopping, I'll bring everyone back alive, even your milk cow". He gave it a try, didn't quite make it, and she killed him dead.

Finally the 17 year old youngest son wakes up, goes outside and there's his family dead, the milk cow dead, and there's a female leprechaun. She makes him the same deal. "Make love ten times to me in a row, without stopping, and I'll bring everyone back to life, even the cow." He said "ok, that sounds pretty good, but first I have to ask you, what if I were to make love to you, fifteen times in a row?" She chuckled and said "Well, if you could do that, I'd bring everyone back to life, even the cow, and I'd give you a nice mansion where your shack is now, to live in luxury." He said "ok, but what if I were to make love to you, TWENTY times in a row?" She laughed. "If you could do that, well I'd bring everyone back, even the milk cow. I'd give you a mansion instead of the shack you live in now, and I'd give you a big pot of gold, you'd be set for life."

"Ok, that sounds good and we can start in a moment, but I first have to ask you... if I were to make love to you twenty times in a row without stopping, what would prevent you from dying from it? The milk cow did."