The Joke Thread

[delmarrey]

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and
naturally beautiful!

Between
23 and 30, a woman is like Europe Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all
conquering past.

Between 51
and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A
MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.

[Chief Engineer]

I mean...there isn't any smilie for it

Originally Posted by Springbok

OK now lets be fair and do the same with the Koran

[Chief Engineer]

A new first mate was aboard a ship....the captain delegated the logkeeping to him.

One day the Chief Engineer came up to visit him in the wheelhouse and happened to see an open logbook.

0800 Captain Drunk This Morning.

The Chief turned back the pages and saw the same entry day after day

1/19/2010
0800 Captain Drunk This Morning


1/18/2010
0800 Cpatain Drunk This Morning

The Chief Stared in amazement throught the previous entries

Finally he said......you can't put this in the log!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mate said OK

A couple weeks later, the Chief came back to the wheelhouse......

He opened the log book and went apoplectic when he read

0800 Weather Clear, Seas Calm, On course 165 MAG.....
Captain FINALLY sober this morning.

[sbenest]

Give me a few minutes and I will find a new one

[sbenest]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[S/V_Surya]

I thought you might like to know "How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist"

His name is: "YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN

[sbenest]

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff.

Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

[Gailwind]

Originally Posted by 97octane

A pirate walks into a bar with a captains wheel stuff inside the front of his pants....

The bartender looks at the pirate and asks him "What are you doing with a captains wheel stuffed in your pants... "?

The pirate says, "Arrrrgg..... it drives me nuts".

"GOOD ONE'

[delmarrey]

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
.................................................. ._/)

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[sbenest]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

[S/V_Surya]

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

[sbenest]

Hey, Love that one!

If you don't mind I have forwarded this to a couple of mates!
Cheers

[sbenest]

I have found this for you -

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

[anjou]

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

[S/V_Surya]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'EconomicStimulus' payment.



This is indeed a very exciting program and I'll explain it byusing a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase aHigh-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.



Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy bySpending your stimulus check wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money willGo to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to theArabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .



* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will goto management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.



Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )



Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'EconomicStimulus' payment.