The Joke Thread

[David_Old_Jersey]

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

Now she's 97 years old we don't know where she is..........

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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

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My grandmother died on her 90th birthday.

It was a terrible shame.....We were only half way through giving her the bumps at the time............

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I've assembled and positioned a wheelchair ramp at my grandmother's house this afternoon.

I've calculated that, if I push her from the top of the garden, she can clear the fish pond.

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My grandmother was upset to hear that the guy who invented the frisbee has died.

Apparently she had a fling with him back in the 70's.

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My grandmother was a very tough woman.

She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

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Anjou told me to.............

[Chief Engineer]

...as the duck turns to leave, the bartender says..Are you gonna pay up?

He sez NO...put it on my bill.

[Canibul]

wow, talk about an 'old lady.'..

[anjou]

Two sharks are swimming up the Irish Sea. One says to the other, im having fish and chips for supper and the other says, im going to Morcambe for a Chinese.

[scook1]

Four guys walk into a bar...

The fifth guy ducks.
Spencer

[Curmudgeon]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________=___
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*ting me?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________ ___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________<

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____ _______________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: I believe so. If not, he was by the time I finished.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Brent Swain]

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ less than 50? Your honour.

[boatman61]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is
84)..
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: "What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ............

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock..... I was just wondering if you were my son."

[sailorboy1]

"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock..... I was just wondering if you were my son."

My belief in CF just got a boost!!!!! But I guess this is a sex based post and is going to cause trouble!

[boatman61]

Dang.. thought as it was drug based it'd get through......
Grandma might have been a hippie....

[TaoJones]

You can both relax . . . the joke is funny and not at all graphic. Lighten up, guys!

TaoJones

[Glenn C]

ok so the the Doctor in the ER asks the patient ' How did you get that burn on the side of your face ?" Patient responds, 'I was doing the ironing and the phone rang'

Dr then asks 'so how did you get that burn on the other side of your face?"......patient responds...." I had to call the ambulance.'



ps, its a lot funier when you replace 'patient' with nationality, ethnic minority etc of your choice....but the I wouldnt want to be going and upsetting anyone......

[sailingmonica]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. " I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"


You have to spell a word," the woman told him.


"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."



Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay later!

[boatman61]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[boatman61]

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools,the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute,"
I was born before:
|
| 'television
|
| 'penicillin
|
| 'polio shots
|
| 'frozen foods
|
| 'Xerox
|
| 'contact lenses
|
| 'Frisbees and
|
| 'the pill

There wereno:
|
| 'credit cards
|
| 'laser beams or
|
| 'ball-point pens

Man had not invented:
|
| 'pantyhose
|
| 'air conditioners
|
| 'dishwashers
|
| 'clothes dryers
|
| 'and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
|
| ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . ... . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and takeresponsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in ones country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent..

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, or guys wearing earrings...

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam..

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
|
| ' "grass" was mowed,
|
| ' "coke" was a cold drink,
|
| '"pot" was something your mother cooked in and
|
| ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
|
| ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
|
| '" chip" meant a piece of wood,
|
| ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
|
| '"software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????







This person is only 61 years old.