The Joke Thread

[David_Old_Jersey]

My Grandad was telling me how hard it was at Dunkirk.

Trying to get to the beach in double-quick time before the boats left wasn't easy.

the terrain was rough and he really hadn't got to grips with his new Panzer tank at all.

[GordMay]

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Ocean Girl]

Thought this was cute. Being blonde, well it is a state of mind
Cheers,
Erika (blonde and loving it)


The Best Blonde Story of All Times



A True Story.... if she had killed herself-God forbid-she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.(wait (REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by Ocean Girl

Thought this was cute. Being blonde, well it is a state of mind
Cheers,
Erika (blonde and loving it)


The Best Blonde Story of All Times



A True Story.... if she had killed herself-God forbid-she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.(wait (REMEMBER, this is TRUE.......) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer.

And we wonder why it is so dangerous out on the water!

[Pelagic]

The red thing on the right that is?

[GordMay]

It’s a pipe threading die.
➥ Ridgid Pipe Threader

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by GordMay

It’s a pipe threading die.
➥ Ridgid Pipe Threader

No Gord...... I said the thing on the right!......... Thanks

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

No Gord...... I said the thing on the right!......... Thanks

Right - Left Confusion?

Do you ever have trouble telling right from left?
Many people, even adults, say that they confuse right and left.
For example, 71 of 364 (19.5%) college professors and 311 of 1185 (26.2%) college students said that they occasionally, frequently or all of the time had difficulty when they had to quickly identify right from left.

Let's test your ability to tell right from left.
In this experiment you are required to say if a hand is pointing up, down, left or right.

Goto ➥ Right/Left

[Pelagic]

Gord….? Is this your nice way of giving me the finger?

I was only joking and having some fun with you…. cheers

[Mariness]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

The red thing on the right that is?

According to the text, it's either a "Spindizzy" or a "Graviton Polarity Generator".
Which totally sounds made up, so I conclude this was a gratuitous excuse to have a picture of the thing on the left.

(My hubby gets Right & Left switched all the time...but somehow has no trouble with Port & Starboard!)

EDIT: Whoa, looked it up -- it IS totally made up! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spindizzy

[GordMay]

I didn’t know there was a nice way of giving the finger.* In any case, I wasn’t being nice to you, nor offering you the bird salute.

I just didn’t (& still domn’t) get your joke.

* Giving someone "The Finger" is an emotionally satisfying way to say "I may not be witty, but I'm definitely somewhat dexterous". No one quite knows how Flipping the Bird got started, but, like a Marvel superhero, everyone has their favorite origin.

Here’s mine:

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

In case my intent is unclear ...

[Pelagic]

Gord... your the best!!

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Mariness

According to the text, it's either a "Spindizzy" or a "Graviton Polarity Generator".
Which totally sounds made up, so I conclude this was a gratuitous excuse to have a picture of the thing on the left.

(My hubby gets Right & Left switched all the time...but somehow has no trouble with Port & Starboard!)

EDIT: Whoa, looked it up -- it IS totally made up! Spindizzy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Yes but that old ad is for real and so is the product..... Ermh! the one on the right that is...

[osirissail]

The blond and the power boat needs to be edited to remove the references to inspecting the boat above water as the trailer tie-downs would be very obvious to anybody inspecting the stern or bow.
- - As to the "thing on the right" maybe that is why the most commonly used phrase on a boat when giving direction to a crewmate is "your other right."
- - As to the origins of the "finger" - it wins a double Scottish Groan. Also I suspect it is in the same venue as the New Zealander's story of the phrase "I Love You" which they spell "Ewe."

[GordMay]

Goto ➥ FOXNews.com - Vintage Ads: What Were They (We) Thinking?

Trust Fox ...