The Joke Thread

[Bergovoy]

ok, worng school.. i was thinking palos verde pennisula

sorry, my bad

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it.

[Bergovoy]

two friends were on their way to the ball game at dodger stadium... They of course were riding ther camel. They hitched their ride up outside the stadium, went in and enjoyed one hell of a game... after... they came out and were surprised to see 4 other camels tied up right next to thier...

the friend said, damn, how are we going to knwo which camel is ours?

the first friend sait that it would be easy. and proceeded to the first camel, lifted it's tail and said, nope, the second camel he did the same and lifted the tail and said nope, then the third, fourth, and fifth.

he then exclaimed he would nned to call the cops as thier camel was stolen.

the second guy said, how the hell can you tell which camel is our, and or that ours was stolen, ??? As there were both male and femal camels there.

the first guy stated that it was easy.

when they came in to the park, he heard somene say, ' Look at the two ******** on that camel?'

[Minggat]

Two female ostriches walking along the beach. One of them spots a couple of male ostriches following them. She say, “Myrtle, we’re being followed. Let’s jog”
So they jog, and the males jogs too.
“Myrtle, we need to ditch these guys. Let’s run”
So they run, and the males runs too.
Running out of beach, Myrtle says “Quick! Hide!”
So the stop and bury their heads in the sand.
The males come to a screeching halt and Wendell says to his friend, “Where’d they go?”

[Therapy]

A Real Woman



A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget about regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible......



No wait... Sorry.. I'm thinking of Scotch. It's Scotch that does all that crap.

Never mind.

Haha.
But, you know what?
My wife is described above.

Lucky me!!

[Bergovoy]

Originally Posted by Therapy

A Real Woman



A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget about regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible......
...

MOM????

[aegean adrift]

Nirvana ukeleles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KZjnFZvCNc

[Chrysalis]

An old sailing sea dog of a captain was sitting on a bench near the harbourf when a young man walked up and sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him and so the young man asked:

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The captain replied, "Oh yes, I got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers

[atoll]

It seems they've worked out why married women tend to put on weight.
A single woman goes and sees whats in the fridge, and decides better to go to bed . Where-upon a married woman goes and sees whats in the bed and decides better to go to the fridge . TRUE STORY .....!!!!

[atoll]

Went out and bought a toilet brush today... Its bloody rubbish am goin back to using paper..

[Wand]

Dick fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Bergovoy]

heheheheh

[Pelagic]

Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.!

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.


The vicar fainted.

[Bergovoy]

im trying to picture this??? please???

hehehehe and would the casket me woody, or all shiny???

[Manatee Man]

One of my favorites... "The Front Fell Off" Clarke & Dawe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQKjj_FDI_M

[S/V_Surya]

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
"I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Crap!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain.