The Joke Thread

[Simes]

Whist we are on the Hispanic bent . . .
Did you hear about the two Spanish Fire Fighters?

Hosea

and

Hoseb

[Blue Stocking]

Jose calls home to Mexico after getting settled in the U.S, and tells his family how friendly Americans are.
"How so?" asks his brother.
Jose says," I went to my first baseball game last night, and before the game start, everyone stood up and sang, Jose, can you see?"

[Swim Stallion]

What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal

[acheron]

...

[James Baines]

A drunk staggers up to the rifle range at the county fair and asks for a rifle. It’s raining, there’s nobody about, the stall owner needs the money so he takes the money and gives him one.
Quick as a flash, the drunk nailed every single target and as his prize, the stall owner gives him one of those cute little turtles they hand out as prizes.
Half an hour later, the even drunker drunk staggers up again asking for a rifle. Still raining, still nobody about so the stall owner takes his money and gives him one.
Quick as a flash, the drunk nailed every target and this time, the stall owner gives him a goldfish as his prize.
The drunk said “Don’t want that, gimme another of those crunchy meat pies”…

[S/V Antares]

Tomato Garden
An old man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[Misiu]

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the Trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied, "Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

[avb3]

This is an actual posting from another forum (Jeep related)

The original poster asked the following:

So, my boyfriend bought a '96 Cherokee (XJ) SE, for way too much, like around $3,000. It broke down and he has put another $2,500 in it and totally rebuilt the engine and did a lot of after market work on it. He has and will do all the labor himself, he refuses to pay for labor. Now, he finds out that the motor needs to be taken back out and fixed again and is looking at another $700. I said he should just sell it and wipe his hands clean, he says he won't make enough.

Firstly, what is your guys' opinion on what he should do? Secondly, how much do you think he could make parting it versus just the whole car as is?

Thanks for your guys' opinions!

To which the first response was, now before you read this, put your coffee down, because I don't want to be responsible for your screen...

You want my opinion? Ok…

Shut the hell up. You’re not his wife. You’re not paying for the repairs. It’s absolutely none of your business what he does with his Jeep or his money. I know your type well… first it’s “Sell the Jeep because it’s costing too much money.” Then it’s “No, you can’t go spend the weekend with your buddies because I need you to take me shopping.” Then it’s “Oh gee, honey… I’m pregnant. Gosh, I have no idea how that happened.”

You’re a DreamKiller. You kill a guy’s dreams, take away his future, tie him down with a fat mortgage and too many babies, and turn him into just another miserable guy wondering, “How the hell did I get here?”

Do you really want to help him? Here’s what you do… go to your local library (it’s a big building with books inside) and check out a couple of books on rebuilding engines. Read them, over and over, until YOU understand what needs to be done. Then help him get that engine out and rebuild it. Tie your hair back in a ponytail, put on some old jeans and get your hands dirty. Hand him wrenches, hold the light, pull the wire connectors apart, help him get the hood off… help him with anything he needs. When he gets tired, run inside and make him a hot lunch or dinner. Fix him coffee, hot chocolate, whatever he wants. (But NO beer. Beer is for when the job is done.)

Then when the day is over and you’re both exhausted from working on the engine, push him into a hot shower and jump in with him. Scrub his back, wash his hair, rinse him off, and dry him with fluffy towels still hot from the dryer. Then push him into bed and screw his ears off. Then get up the next day and do it all over again.

Make him realize that rebuilding an engine is a slow and methodical process. Make him realize that every step should be regarded as surgery; every step must be perfect… perfect torque, perfect fit, perfectly clean. If you run into a step that you just can’t figure out, ask for help from someone who knows what he’s doing. Are you cute? Put on a low-cut top, show some cleavage and go (by yourself) to the local Jeep shop, and explain to the guys that you are helping your boyfriend to rebuild his engine and neither of you can figure out this one little step, and do they have any advice…

Think it won’t work? Think again. We guys love to help cute girls, even if they have a boyfriend. (Hey, maybe you’ve got a sister, or girlfriend…)

But absolutely DO NOT whine or complain. Do not say a single negative thing. Not a single “Oooooo, I broke a nail.” If you break a nail, or cut your finger, or bang a knuckle, you just shut up and DEAL WITH IT. You should be a hopelessly optomistic, never-say-die cheerleader, encouraging him every step of the way.

That’s my opinion.

Now, that guy either had all his poop in a pile, just went through a rough spot in his marriage, or is still paying alimony.

Something sure twigged him...

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Originally Posted by avb3

Something sure twigged him...

The first two paragraphs were the best part. Should've stopped there.

still pretty funny.

[avb3]

Originally Posted by Dan_78

The first two paragraphs were the best part. Should've stopped there.

still pretty funny.

Do you think one could have inserted "sailboat" instead of "jeep" and get a similar response

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by avb3

This is an actual posting from another forum (Jeep related)

Oh how basic honesty hurts so.

[hummingway]

Honesty or just another ******* who doesn't think a womans opinion matters?

[Bill Burgette]

Any Questions??

[osirissail]

I thought this was a joke thread???? What's funny about post 1209??

[RayW]

All the waterfowl had their eyes closed but one. He was a Peking duck.