The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?
__________________________________________________
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?
__________________________________________________ ___
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?
_______________________________________________
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."
After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?
__________________________________________________ ____
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Good legs!" I said!
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! … Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you’re sixty; who cares?

[tkeithlu]

1870s. M'lady is being driven in her carriage. Horse farts. Horses fart, as anyone who's spent time around them knows, but this is no ordinary example. This one scorches the grass on the sides of the road and wilts wild flowers. The horseman says "Oh, m'lady, I am so sorry." M'lady answers "You need not have apologized, I had thought that it was the horse."

[svmariane]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm, sets it down on the bar stool, and loudly proclaims to the bar that the octopus is the most talented of octopi, that it can play any instrument known to man, and that he will bet $50 if they think he is wrong.

One of the bar's patrons runs out to his car, grabs a guitar, comes in and gives it to the octopus. Octopus grabs it and plays better than Hendrix. The man pays his $50, shakes his head and goes back to his beer. Another brings up a trumpet, the octopus takes it, and within a minute is blowing tunes better than Dizzy Gillespie. That guy, too, pays his $50, shakes his head, and sits down.

This continues for some time with all nature of instruments being produced and the octopus' owner making a handsome sum, and then in walks a Scot with bagpipes. The octopus takes the pipes... and continues to flip them over and over for several minutes, maneuvering the pipes this way and that, an occasional low sound coming out of one of the pipes. The Scot has a smug look on his face and states "Canna figure it out there mister octopus? What's the matter, cant you play it??"


To which the octopus says "Play it?!?!? Are you kidding me? As soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna 'eff it!!"

[tkeithlu]

Did you know that condoms come with serial numbers?

No?

Oh, I guess you never had to unroll one that far.

[tkeithlu]

I used to know some pretty good political jokes, but unfortunately most of them have been elected to public office.

[uncle stinkybob]

There's a new recyclable condom on the market.
after use, turn inside out and shake the F#&$ out of it.

[ontherocks83]

I bought these in the Philippines in 2003.

[Therapy]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[Therapy]

While Bob was sunbathing naked at the beach at Green Valley, for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat."


He raised an eyebrow and replied, "Madam, if you were better looking, it would lift itself."

[socaldmax]

Big Al liked to drink a bit. Well, that's a bit of an understatement, Big Al liked to drink a lot. When he drank, he got a little too honest, if you know what I mean.

One night, he walked up to a young lady who was on the larger side and said, "Mind if I grab one of those stools? You can balance on the other one, can't you?" She threw her beer bottle at him and fortunately, missed.

Another night he danced a couple of songs with a girl who had worked up quite a sweat. When she headed back to the bar, he asked her for another dance and she said, "No." He thought he was paying her a compliment when he replied, "You know, for a fat chick, you don't really sweat that much." She took a swing at him and fortunately for him, she missed.

Another night we were in a fairly target rich environment when he asked a girl to dance. She said, "No." He said, "I said you look fat in those pants." She also chucked a beer bottle at him, but fortunately, she missed too.

[D&D]

The Irish Nun


The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior 's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us a word of wisdom before you die."


Struggling, she raised herself up and said, "Don't sell that cow."

[svmariane]

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down & asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No" he says. "The seat is empty".

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would give up a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, & not use it?"

"Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take her seat?"


The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral"

[CharlzO]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[CharlzO]

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began screaming out "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this exclamation of obvious joy, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet.

After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

[svmariane]

A baby seal walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.








I know the law. And I have spent my entire life in its flagrant disregard.

{Note: Belay my last until confirmation arrives concerning my death.}