The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

Lives in Phoenix...

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[svmariane]

And needing a laughter break from socaldmax's posts I wandered down to the pub where real world stuff gets discussed. Like George, who told us he'd been arrested.

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

George: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

George: "I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus."


And so forth. Other bits and bobs heard about town:



George, to a bakery shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”

Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”

George: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
***

"My new 1000 watt sound system is great! I can control the volume of my neighbor's banging on my door."
***

"I'd read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution:

NO MORE READING!"
***

"Wow you look great! Did you lose weight?”

"Hey – did you just call me ugly and fat in retrospect?!"
***

“I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”

“Wow, you’ve been to the Maldives?”

“No, but I wished it before.”
***

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”
***

[svmariane]

#MeanwhileInCyberspace.....

A question on an internet forum:

Q: Please help, I have this great itching between my toes.

A: Well, that depends. If the itching is between all toes, consult a dermatologist.

If the itching bothers you only between your two big toes, consult a gynecologist.

[svmariane]

Breaking News - This Just In:

You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
***

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
***

[StuM]

You know you’re old when your friends kids start having kids on purpose.

There, fixed it for you.

[john61ct]

You know you're old when the grandkids from your first family are having kids that are older than your fourth and current crop.