The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Bonnie Caputo is a good friend, in 1973 one of the first jumbo pilots, and a top-notch driver.

That cr^p just isn't funny, and not just cause it's offensive.

Originally Posted by john61ct

Oh boo hoo wadayalike 9? Grow a pair

OK, now THAT is funny!

[PhiSig1071]

On topic:

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by StuM

You know you’re old when your friends kids start having kids on purpose.

There, fixed it for you.

True.

[svmariane]

When it comes to what people post that they think funny....

[svmariane]

When it comes to people's OPINIONS about other's attempts at humor....

[svmariane]

It's the start of a brand new day and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Anybody heard from George lately? Because man, that guy disappears like, well, "like the shadow thrown by a passing cloud", "like a tale that is told". {Note 1} Like you know what I mean? Like, yeah? So anyway, down to the pub and reminiscing about stuff George babbled 'bout when the beers kicked in. Because George, he says things like:


"My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not."
***

"It is important to make breaks between individual exercises.
I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years."
***

"Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver."
***

"Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble."
***

"Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff."
***

"On the internet you can be anything you want.
Strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
***

"A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people."
***

"They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.
I did the math. Seems I died in 1543."
***


"... and out of the chaos, a sentence came to me:

"Laugh and be happy, it could be worse!"

... and so I laughed and was happy and it really became worse."
***

"If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level."
***


And oh, by the way...
When somebody doesn’t quite get something about the George stuff:

I’m sorry, but I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.






Note 1: Charles Dickens; Simeon Ford.

Note 2: Puns? What puns?

[hafa]

*PARAPROSDOKIAN SENTENCES*


*I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.*

*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.*

*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.*

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.*

*The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.*

*Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.*

*If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.*

*We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.*

*War does not determine who is right - only who is left.*

*Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.*

*The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.*

*Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.*

*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.*

*A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.*

*How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?*

*Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.*

*Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.*

*I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.*

*A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.*

*Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR”.*

*I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.*

*I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?”*

*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?*

*Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.*

*Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?*

*Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.*

*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.*

*You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.*

*The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!*

*Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.*

*A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.*

*Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.*

*Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.*

*I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.*

*Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.*

*There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.*

*I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.*

*I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.*

*When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.*

*You're never too old to learn something stupid.*

*To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.*

*Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.*

*Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.*

*A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.*

*If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?*

*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.*

[K_V_B]

Originally Posted by hafa

*Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.*

http://www.thekitchn.com/were-gonna-...t-salad-234151

[PhiSig1071]

Does that make ketchup a smoothie?

[john61ct]

I've made Bloody Mary "smoothies", very refreshing.

Key ingredients are horseradish, lemon juice and celery, along with the usual worcestershire and cracked peppercorns, also a better quality chili pepper sauce than plain Tabasco.

Cracked ice in the gazpacho when it's real hot out is nice too.

Sorry none of this is funny, so:

My wife doesn't like spicy food, and I think it's a cayenne shame.

[Therapy]

I have asked more than 100 women what soap they prefer to use while showering and the most common reply is:

HOW THE FARK DID YOU GET IN HERE!!

[ontherocks83]

Originally Posted by john61ct

I've made Bloody Mary "smoothies", very refreshing.

Key ingredients are horseradish, lemon juice and celery, along with the usual worcestershire and cracked peppercorns, also a better quality chili pepper sauce than plain Tabasco.

Cracked ice in the gazpacho when it's real hot out is nice too.

Sorry none of this is funny, so:

My wife doesn't like spicy food, and I think it's a cayenne shame.

Have you tried it with cholulas hot sauce;? Its one of my favorites

[hafa]

Originally Posted by john61ct

...Key ingredients are horseradish, lemon juice and celery, along with the usual worcestershire and cracked peppercorns, also a better quality chili pepper sauce than plain Tabasco...

Wait! Where's the vodka? Not to disparage with a Smirnoff campaign...

[PhiSig1071]

Yo Ho, Yo ho..........

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by PhiSig1071

Yo Ho, Yo ho..........

Well, whaddya know? Something funny and not racist, derogatory, sexist, prurient or loaded with nasty words.

Well done!

Jim