The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

And George, he tells us one of his rituals...

"Dear Lord, so far today, I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.

"Thank you for lending me the strength to do that.



"But in a few minutes I'm going to need a lot more help, because I'm getting out of bed…"

[svmariane]

Oh, yeah... BTW....As a result of climate change and that ice thingy breaking off from Antarctica, a new flood is predicted by the world's top scientists. They announced it will be horrendous, wiping out over 70 percent of the world's population.

And it will happen in four days.

Down at the pub, we were watching the news on cable TV

and Barbara said: "... there is still time to accept Jesus as your savior!"

The bartender said: "...I ask all of you to follow Buddhist teachings, so that you may find inner peace in the midst of disaster."

And George, he said; "...we have four days to learn how to live underwater!"



Then Georgette sorta slaps George aside the head and reminds him that they live on a sailboat.

[svmariane]

From the archives....

An old Jewish man finally got his visa to leave the USSR and emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs official found his bust of Lenin.

"What is that?"

"WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the genius who created our worker's paradise!"

The Soviet official chuckled and let the old man through.

When the old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

"What is that?"

"WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the son-of-a-b*tch! I will display him over my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home!"

The Israeli official laughed and let him through.

When the old man arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

"Who is that?"


"WHO is that?! WHO is that?! You mean WHAT is that?!

THAT, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"

[socaldmax]

Fathers can relate...

[D&D]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

The Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & $100,000, happy that his surgery could now go ahead.

A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box ofQuality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his previous kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."

The Arab replied: "Aye, laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."

[socaldmax]

Some more gaggers...


What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?
Kara-tea.



What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
Runway inflation.




What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!




Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
In Fort Launderdale.

[socaldmax]

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."

[socaldmax]

What's a frog's favorite drink?
Croaka Cola.




What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.




What does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.




Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
A barber.




What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?
Get bent!

[socaldmax]

More groanage...

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."

[socaldmax]

More where those came from...




Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.




A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."

[D&D]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada .

Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. She asks, "Johnny, Where is the Pakistani border?"

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother...and that's why I got bugger all for breakfast"

[socaldmax]

Too soon?

[socaldmax]

"I got tired of people stealing my lunch out of the fridge at work. I put my name on the Tupperware, but they still ate my lunch. So one day I took my cottage cheese to work tied up in a condom. That finally stopped them!


Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to use the employee refrigerator anymore."

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Too soon?

That's a real killer..................of a joke!

[D&D]

Man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.