The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Time for another semi-funny weird story.

A machinist mate friend of mine I knew in the Navy in Hawaii fell in love with and married a Vietnamese exotic dancer who had a daughter and was thinking about retiring. They got married and I met them about 8 yrs later, when the daughter was about 13 and their son was 5 or 6.

About 3 yrs later, I went over to visit and there was a very old, classic Bentley sitting in the carport, it was in great shape. Since his Navy income wasn't enough to buy something like that, as soon as we sat down, I asked him about the Bentley. He's a huge car nut and was beaming from ear to ear about it. He tells me he saw it for sale in the auto trader and he told his wife it was very cheap for what it was, but he couldn't afford it. She asked him if he really wanted it and he said sure, but I don't have enough savings and can't get a car loan for a classic car.

She asks him for a ride to a bank downtown and takes him into the vault and opens a safe deposit box filled to the brim with crisp stacks of $100s. He's flabbergasted. He asks if it's all hers and she says, "Yes, in addition to these as well." I don't recall how many safe deposit boxes she had, but the total was close to $750,000 in cash. They took out only what he needed for the Bentley and left.

So now I've got even more questions for him, just like he had for her. The history was - she had come from a small village and suffers from a form of megalomastia. So even as a teen she was very petite but had huge breasts, everyone who met her assumed she was an exotic dancer. Considering her "talents" and the easy money, she worked her way to Hawaii and worked at a pretty nice club. She lived upstairs almost free, didn't own a car, ate her meals in the club for free, didn't do drugs, didn't drink, she even read other girls' magazines instead of buying them. Her only vice was cigarettes.

She took her cash to the bank every week and cashed it in for stacks of 100s and by the time she decided to retire, that was her nest egg. I was amazed that the subject of money or savings had never come up before in the 8 yrs or so they'd been married. He just shrugged and said she's very "affectionate" but she's not a talker. Then he told me the best part is: he had convinced her that she was losing money to inflation just letting her money sit there. He had convinced her that classic cars were an excellent investment. I guess I can't argue with that.

By the time I moved away, her daughter was 15 or 16 and was obviously inheriting her mother's huge breasts. Her mother told her it was a fun and easy way to make money so my friend agreed to let her practice "dancing" in the house with the stipulation that she finish high school and he wouldn't pressure her to get some other type of job.

I haven't seen him since, but I hope he chose his classic cars wisely!

[D&D]

The Fence Repair - Queensland style...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House.
One is from Ipswich, another is from Sandgate, and the third is from Peregian Beach. All three go with an official to examine the fence...

The Ipswich contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Sandgate contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Peregian Beach contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Peregian Beach contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Sandgate to fix the fence."

"Done!" Replies the government official.

And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.

[john61ct]

Originally Posted by Melissa36

"Ye are the salt of the earth" (I.e., the blood for the blood banks)

whacko stuff, unfunny

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by john61ct

whacko stuff, unfunny

Too true John.
.... I think this guy opened up a book on nautical synonyms and just started regurgitating while listening to Enya

I did find it effective in putting me to sleep tho.[emoji4]

[john61ct]

What's really disturbing is all the other stuff Google started feeding me as a result of my "interest" in this sort of stuff.

I can imagine uneducated susceptible people getting sucked down into conspiracy rabbit-holes, no wonder our civilization is imploding.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Melissa36

"Ye are the salt of the earth" (I.e., the blood for the blood banks)

Good one - this IS the joke thread; the OP apparently has an unusual perspective on humour.

If you want to go fast - go alone.
If you want to go far - creat a team.
If you want to go fast AND far....



try using off-beat humour 'cause folk will probably run you out of town.
Or kick you out of the chat room.
Or take away your birthday. <grin>

[D&D]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I
have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful
to me?”


Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've
been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always
for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the
mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and
the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”


Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you
for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went
to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at
no charge."



"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for
president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

[D&D]

A bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won.

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday”"
Paddy says: “Well, the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even at home yesterday”.

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says,”Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor ”

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, " I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not Friday the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[uspatriot]

This Australian walks in the front door with a sheep under his arm,,he goes upstairs where his wife is.
He looks at his wife and says this is the pig i have sex with, the wife say honey that is a sheep the husband says i was talking to the sheep

[LakeSuperior]

How do you resuscitate a fish?


SeaPR.

[delmarrey]

Norwegian Virgin Wedding

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.


As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

"Look at dis Lena ... Still in DA CRATE!"

[D&D]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!

He yelled,
"Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"

Tower:
"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"

Aircraft:
“The s**t in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!"

[silversailor]

As I exited Starbucks I saw an unusual funeral procession. Behind the hearse was a second hearse and walking behind the two hearses was a man, dressed in black, head down accompanied by a small dog. Then, behind the two hearses and the grieving man with the dog were 200 or more men. I approached the man in black and after offering condolences said "Excuse me but I must ask you about this procession." Well, said the grieving man, "My wife is in the first hearse. She attacked me and my dear dog came to my rescue and killed her." OMG, I replied. But who is in the second hearse? "Oh" said the man "that's my mother in law. She came to my wife's aid and my little dog killed her as well."

I thought for a minute and then asked "Can I borrow your dog?"

Looking at the crowd behind him the man said...... "Get in line!"

[Eigenvector]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[D&D]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'

is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertile eggs again.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

He replied, 'I used a different cock,'

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'