The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Eigenvector]

[Eigenvector]

[D&D]

Reg wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man” he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[D&D]

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ordinary woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies:“ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

5.. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)

6. A chap's wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8 . I woke up this morning at 9:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast all day.

9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay???”

10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

11 . The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month).

[socaldmax]

After years of begging, John's wife finally relented and said she'd let him have a threesome. "Great!" said John, "Now call up your GFs Debbie and Kim and tell them to come on over!"

and then the fight started...

Shortly after getting married, John and Shirley were cuddling in the afterglow and Shirley made the mistake of asking one of "the" questions. "How many women have you been with before we got married?"

John was feeling pretty manly at the moment (always a bad sign) and confidently replied, "Hundreds have played the game baby, but you won the prize!"

and then the fight started...

[Dreaming Yachtsman]

Originally Posted by D&D

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
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11 . The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month).

These are SO politically INcorrect (but very funny).
I daresay you may go to hell for posting these.

[LakeSuperior]

My wife really changed after she became a vegan.


It's like I've never seen herbivore.

[Eigenvector]

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol
Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol:
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?


Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!”

[socaldmax]

At first I thought that she was a cold, heartless killer. But reflecting on it a bit more, that was probably the most humane way to end a divorce.

He probably should have ordered that wood chipper a couple of days earlier.

[GordMay]

FWIW:

[StuM]

Originally Posted by GordMay

FWIW:

Definitely apropos to a few CF posters.
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Who, me?

[LakeSuperior]

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...
In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

What a bunch of snowflakes.

[IslandHopper]

It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by IslandHopper

It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. [emoji2]

LoL.... But but it all depends on where you are..
...In Alaska the mosquitoes are so big.....you need to hit them twice to get their attention[emoji6]