The New Joke Thread

[tbodine88]

Those who drink like a fish, don't think kindly of water.

From "the walking stick papers" by robert cortes holiday

[Tetepare]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it bread in captivity

[Eigenvector]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says.
When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

[senormechanico]

Leena found herself standing in front of the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St. Peter greeted her and said, “These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you only must do one more thing before you can enter.”
Leena was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.
“Spell a word,” St. Peter answered.
“What word?” she asked.
“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”
Leena quickly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love.
L-O-V-E.”
St. Peter welcomed Leena in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. A man then approached the gates, and Leena realizes it is her husband, Toivo.
“What happened to you?” she cried, “Why are you here?”
Toivo stared at her for a few seconds, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in a really bad car accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?”
“Not yet,” she replied, “You must spell a word first.”
“What word?” he asked.
She answered, “Albuquerque.”

[Adelie]

What did the fish say to the hook?
“Take me to you leader.”

What did the hook reply?
“Bite me.”

[aquadreams]

Another from The Far Side

[aquadreams]

A reminder to carry sufficient spares when you set off...

[aquadreams]

Ok, one more...

[aquadreams]

[LakeSuperior]

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it.

So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times the radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation.

After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

[snort]

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.
The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.
You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange.
Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two ********?!" exclaims the mortician.
"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ********.'"

[socaldmax]

I have a friend who is blind.

Every once in a while I'll hand him an object with bumps on it, and say something like "This is braille. Can you read it for me?"

Apparently every Lego block says "You're an arsehole."

[socaldmax]

[JBP]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

So that's why republicans don't believe they are racist, bigots, etc.

They have never won an argument with a liberal.

[LakeSuperior]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.



'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!

Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter.

He's never been out of the yard'.