The New Joke Thread

[Buzzman]

An enterprising young lady from Crewe
Filled her vagina with glue
She said, with a grin
If they pay to get in
They can pay to get out again, too!

[StuM]

Let's see how many find these offensive:



What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says...."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

[goat]

Originally Posted by StuM

Let's see how many find these offensive:



What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says...."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

What does a woman do to her a$$hole first thing in the morning?
Makes his lunch and sends him to work.

[Eigenvector]

I realise that this forum is international, but her's one that local to south texas (otherwise known as mexico north)

[Pelagic]

I think it was Plato who voiced the philosophy that:
Drama shows the very Best of Humanity
While,
Comedy shows the very worst.

While there are various levels of comedy that truly make you laugh thru subtle guile and twists of plot, .....those that depend on racial and national slurs, reflect more on the intelligence of the Teller, than the subject matter.

Good comedy should be a gift, not an excuse to burden us with prejudices.

[svmariane]

testing one, two, three...

[svmariane]

testing three, two, one...

[HopCar]

svmariane, you need a drummer to give your jokes a rim shot so we know when they are over.

Actually both are pretty funny.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by HopCar

svmariane, you need a drummer to give your jokes a rim shot so we know when they are over.

Actually both are pretty funny.

Two men walked into a bar.
You'd think that the second man would have seen it coming.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI

[svmariane]

By the way...

Which two jokes, man? <sheesh> Two of those deleted, or two from the original "George" series, or what? Don't respond in writing.... Submit the information via Carrier Pigeon (audio tape) using code word "Giant Gummy Lizard".

Ref

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QdPW8JrYzQ

[HopCar]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Two men walked into a bar.
You'd think that the second man would have seen it coming.

Perfect! Now I know when to laugh, and I did.

[dfelsent]

Re stuM. Love them all
But I’m offended that I wasn’t offended.

[D&D]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?


'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent."

[GordMay]

[svmariane]

Which brings to mind.....