The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross Lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat. The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.


The man realizes there could be benefits to either choice. Perhaps the box of novels could be about sailing or survival. On the other hand the criminals could be experienced in sailing or survival.


He decides the most important thing about either is gonna be how heavy they are. He is going to be using a really small boat and too much weight could slow him down or cause him to sink.


In order to figure out which one will benefit him the most he decides to weigh the prose and cons.

[socaldmax]

Boating related...

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Boating related...

Oh, crap. Took me a minute to figure it out, but then ...


socaldmax (or "so called Max", as I think of you), where do you find all of these, and do you realize you have way too much free time on your hands?

[socaldmax]

I find most of those on an offroad website. A lot of them would get deleted here, so I only post the extremely non-offensive stuff. Yes, I do have a lot of time on my hands, only 1/100th of it posting jokes. the rest of the time I spend on hobbies, helping people on the net or researching interests.

You'd be amazed how often that exact scenario happens on RVs, since the + wires are usually black and - are usually white. People replace batteries and hook the wires back up wrong...

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I find most of those on an offroad website. A lot of them would get deleted here, so I only post the extremely non-offensive stuff. Yes, I do have a lot of time on my hands, only 1/100th of it posting jokes. the rest of the time I spend on hobbies, helping people on the net or researching interests.

You'd be amazed how often that exact scenario happens on RVs, since the + wires are usually black and - are usually white. People replace batteries and hook the wires back up wrong...

Whatever, keep it up. Here's to time on our hands (speaking as a recent retiree).

[D&D]

A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[OutOfControl]

Little Johnny Joke

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[OutOfControl]

Little Johnny Joke

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

[jmorrison146]

European Heaven no European Hell (from a Norwegian friend)

European Heaven:
British police
French cooks
German car mechanics
Italian lovers
And it's all organized by the Swiss.

European Hell:
German police
British cooks
French car mechanics
Swiss lovers
And it's all organized by the Italians.

[delmarrey]

Alternative truths!

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Nicholson58]

A Young New York City woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River. Just before she could throw herself from the bridge, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," the captain said.

Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Staten Island Ferry."