The New Joke Thread

[D&D]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver "Where have ya been?"

" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf"

[D&D]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, but where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[D&D]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

[D&D]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church and enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

[socaldmax]

[Eigenvector]

Wait for it...........

[socaldmax]

Somebody's getting his last paycheck today...

LOL

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

Wait for it...........

All's I'm getting is a black screen and sound.

[Uncle Bob]

Originally Posted by Adelie

All's I'm getting is a black screen and sound.

Same here!

[GILow]

Originally Posted by Adelie

All's I'm getting is a black screen and sound.

Me too. But it SOUNDED interesting.

[TrentePieds]

I thot that was the joke after making you count flowers on the wallpaper for A WHOLE MINUTE!

Some peoples' kids, eh :-0)?

Sam

[senormechanico]

You need to download Adobe Flash.


Shot from someone's dash cam.
Long train goes by an unguarded crossing (no gates).

Crane folded down on the last car with boom sticking back over last car.
Truck waiting on the other side with a big earth mover on a bed behind him was too impatient for the train.
He crossed immediately behind the last train car, the crane got tangled with the earth mover and the whole truck earth mover load went over sideways.



The truck driver would have been fine if he'd waited another five seconds, but noOOO !

[GILow]

Originally Posted by senormechanico

You need to download Adobe Flash.

Maybe for some, but not the problem here. There's some kind of advert streaming over the top of it, might be a regional thing, depending on the part of the world you live in.

But thank you for the explanation of the video. :^)

[john61ct]

Just upload to YT post a link that's what it's for.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Therapy

Nature used to separate them from the rest of us.

Now they are a protected specie, by OSHA & the ACLU