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D&D · 07-10-2018, 13:39

Smoking At The Nursing Home

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.

LakeSuperior · 08-10-2018, 07:08

Doctor: "Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?"

Me: "That's literally all I drink."

LakeSuperior · 08-10-2018, 07:09

A twofer for Monday...

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.

I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

senormechanico · 08-10-2018, 09:55

Eigenvector · 08-10-2018, 20:23

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f#**%g! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

senormechanico · 09-10-2018, 12:18

LakeSuperior · 11-10-2018, 06:17

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

svmariane · 11-10-2018, 12:20

^^^^^THIS ^^^^^

As an engineer I approve this message.
Now I'll just go and discuss it with my wife.
If you don't hear from me in the next fortnight please send a rescue party.

Eigenvector · 11-10-2018, 12:46

Three engineers, Civil, Mechanical and Electrical; were drinking at the bar when the Mechanical stated "God must be a Mechanical Engineer".

The Electrical Engineer said "How's That?"

The Mechanical Engineer went on a rant about how complex the mechanisms and joints are in the human body and this is why God was a Mechanical Engineer.

******** stated the Electrical Engineer. "If God was an Engineer, he'd be and Electrical Engineer" He then proceeded into a dissertation of the brain, nervous system, sensory systems………

The Civil Engineer pipes up "You're both full of crap" "If God was an Engineer he would be a Civil Engineer" The other two said "How do you figure that?"

He said "Who else would run a sewage treatment line through a recreational area"

Jon Hacking · 14-10-2018, 06:08

True story: I'm an EE, & I used to live next door to (& commute with) an ME. We used to josh each other about which was better, of course. One day I'm setting up a satellite TV dish, looking at my received signal meter but also looking up in the sky. My buddy & another ME come down & I decide it's time for a preemptive attack. As they get closer I stand up & ask, "Is it true what I hear about you MEs? Is it true that you can't actually see microwaves?"