The New Joke Thread

[SV_Harbinger]

Have you ever wondered why Native Americans call politicians "walking eagle"?
Well I have.
So I went in search of my answer, and came to an old chief, and asked him why politicians are called walking eagle.
He said to me "not only can I tell you, but I can show you too"
And pointing up into the sky for me to see a eagle soaring about, he says "see that eagle, that's what eagle should do"
Then pointing at another eagle this one just barely able to stand and enormously fat, he says "now you see that eagle there, that eagle eat to much, now that eagle so full of (impolite term for fecal matter) he can't fly."

[socaldmax]

I swear I don't make these up...

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Meanwhile, back in the Detective's office...

Speaking softly to cover her fright she told me what happened that terrible night. "Steve had the helm, so I don't really know, but whatever we hit tore a hole in the hull. Water flowed in (and my impulse was to grin) as I thought to myself Boy, that'll teach him!"

Then, guilt struck her hard,
And self preservation seemed barred,
If not action she took,
So she grabbed the boat hook,
Snatched the mooring like a bard,
And secured them to bail.

Now the rain started to pour, and then to hail,




Next.

Ann

[Perfusser]

It is getting warm here.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

OK - I'll bite....

What did the desk have to be scared about...????

Probably scared of being scratched. Then it would be scarred for life.

[SV_Harbinger]

One day I took a little trip
But the wind howled
Then the anchor fouled
I shouldn't a' left the slip

The water was colder than I feared
When I went over the side
Now I have not to hide
For, that day, my penis disappeared

[LakeSuperior]

The skipper and the first mate are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects.

The skipper frowns looking at mate's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" The first mate answers...


"Why sew Sirius?"

[LakeSuperior]

Three tyrannosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first tyrannosaurus thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second tyrannosaurus thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third tyrannosaurus, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous tyrannosauruses.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

[LakeSuperior]

Fellow sailors, I think the Monks are forming a Resistance..


They just keep saying "Ohmmm.. Ohmmm..."

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

Now the rain started to pour, and then to hail,

Next.
Ann

... so giving a wave she hailed a passing water taxi
(pause while the double puns sink in, much as the boat slowly sank etc. etc.).
Keeping her wits about her (including the half wit helmsman)
the lovely lass gathered wallets, passports and her personal
"Get out of Jail Free" card - smokey honeysuckle eyes above a wondrous rack
that captured the eyes of men and women alike.

[Dave_S]

They don't make mirrors like they used to......

[Eigenvector]

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

[socaldmax]

A lot of my friends are like this...

[socaldmax]

[senormechanico]

VVS is almost a disease !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bt9zSfinwFA