The New Joke Thread

[GILow]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

Hmmm... the jokes have segued from offensive to bewildering!

When do I start to laugh?

Jim

Look on the bright side Jim. I’ll take surreal and unfathomable jokes over the plain nasty ones any day.

But yeah, deep waters mate. I need a sounding line for some of these.

[svmariane]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, "What's wrong?"

The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs says, "I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She's a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed."

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying"?

The old man looks at the bartender and says, "I can't remember where I live!"

[svmariane]

A man goes out drinking with his friends after promising his wife that he’d be home by midnight.

Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home just before 3am. As he walks in, he realises the cuckoo clock is about to go off.

With a flash of genius, he decides to coo another nine times to make it seem like it’s still midnight. Finished, he sneaks into bed, satisfied with his plan.

The next morning, he wakes up and finds that his wife isn’t mad at all.

“You sleep okay last night?” he asks cautiously.

“Fine,” the wife says. “But we need a new cuckoo clock.”

“Why?”

“Last night it cooed three times, then it yelled ‘Crap!’, cooed another six times and giggled. Then it cooed three more times, tripped over the cat and farted.”

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by svmariane

A man goes out drinking with his friends after promising his wife that he’d be home by midnight. etc..

Help! Got this message on the computer screen:

I am a bot which attempts to find reposts automatically. I have detected, with 40.1312339887548% certainty, that this is a repost. The original post can be found here: {%$*## } I use machine learning to do this, and I can use your feedback to improve.

I've been busted! Found out! Discovered!

Now what?






Edit: Oops. Seems that my wife figured out my password. Never mind....

[Glenn C]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

You think you have problems in America?

We've had 5 Prime Ministers in almost as many years!

And each in their own way has been somewhat comical....

But let's not go there. Too divisive...

hmmm...is that all, seems more than that, not counting repeats.....have never had to show ID buying groceries but !

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by svmariane

A man goes out drinking with his friends after promising his wife that he’d be home by midnight.



Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home just before 3am. As he walks in, he realises the cuckoo clock is about to go off.



With a flash of genius, he decides to coo another nine times to make it seem like it’s still midnight. Finished, he sneaks into bed, satisfied with his plan.



The next morning, he wakes up and finds that his wife isn’t mad at all.



“You sleep okay last night?” he asks cautiously.



“Fine,” the wife says. “But we need a new cuckoo clock.”



“Why?”



“Last night it cooed three times, then it yelled ‘Crap!’, cooed another six times and giggled. Then it cooed three more times, tripped over the cat and farted.”

That’s a keeper. Thanks!

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by Glenn C

hmmm...is that all, seems more than that, not counting repeats.....have never had to show ID buying groceries but !

Really? Bloody Woolworths asks for my Credit Card as ID ever time I go thru the checkout.

I mean... of course I was intending to pay for the groceries....

Just maybe on another day....

Honestly, they are so vicious. Anyone would think they had a busines to run!

[Sand crab]

What's a Woolworths?

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by Sand crab

What's a Woolworths?

Aussie equivalent to Safeway (or if you are of the southern persuasion, Piggly wiggly).

Jim

[Wotname]

^^ a big place to buy food who won't employ anyone to take your money!

Not sure if it's joke or not but it always feels like a joke that you have the privilege of handing over your money to a machine without a smile...

[Buzzman]

Dunno about you, YMMV, but I *always* smile at the machine as it takes my money.

You don't want to get on the wrong side of the machines. Watch Terminator if you need convincing....

[GordMay]

Finally, some answers to our most fundamental questions about weather:

Question: What causes the ocean to roar?
Answer: It has a fog in its throat.

Question: Why don't they show lightning on TV?
Answer: It's too shocking.

Question: What is super important when walking your Chihuahua in a tropical storm?
Answer: A long, long leash.

Question: Why do they say, "It's raining cats and dogs?"
Answer: To keep you from stepping in a poodle.

Question: When do they say, "It's raining chickens and ducks?"
Answer: When there is really, really fowl weather.

Question: What did the hurricane say to the weather satellite?
Answer: "I have my eye on you."

Question: How do you predict rain in Seattle?
Answer: If you can't see the Space Needle; it's raining. If you can see the Space Needle; it's about to rain.

Question: What's faster than a slow crutch?
Answer: A hurri-cane.

Question: Where does a tropical storm sleep?
Answer: In a water bed.

Question: Why doesn't a GOES environmental satellite eat too much candy?
Answer: It doesn't want to spoil its launch time.

Question: How is a GOES environmental satellite like presents at a birthday party?
Answer: They are both out of this world.

Question: How do we know the ocean likes the GOES environmental satellite a lot?
Answer: The ocean waves at it.

Question: What goes up at the science research station when the rain comes down?
Answer: Umbrellas.

Question: Where do NOAA scientists store their cold weather research data?
Answer: In a snow bank.

Question: Why don't older people like jokes about snow?
Answer: It's just a lot of skid stuff.

Question: Why can't you rely on snow during the winter holidays?
Answer: Because it's so flaky!

Question: Why did the baker work outside on cold nights?
Answer: So he wouldn't have to frost the cakes.

Question: What was the meteorologist's favorite frozen dessert?
Answer: An isobar.

Question: Why put a weather station at the top of a tower?
Answer: So meteorologists can climate.

Question: What did the rain storm say to the grocery store?
Answer: I'm going to flood the market.

Question: What was the weather-man's style of fly fishing?
Answer: He was a four-caster.

Question: How did the ski instructor survive an early spring?
Answer: He had put money into a slush fund.

Question: What makes birds going south for the winter fly at a safe speed?
Answer: Goose bumps.

Question: What did the national park ranger use to count grizzlies?
Answer: A bear-ometer.

Question: What did the special-of-the-day sign at the Mexican restaurant say?
Answer: Chile today. Hot tamale.

[Dave_S]

Some words

[ontherocks83]

Not to name names

[ontherocks83]