The New Joke Thread

[ontherocks83]

I'll take being mistaken for a young Kurt Russell

[svmariane]

And now, because I'm a little bored...

1. I got a dig bick
2. You that read wrong
3. You read that wrong too
4. You checked
5. You smiled
7. You wondering why you're still this reading this
8. You saw that mistake... right? (On 7)
10. But did you see that I skipped 6?
10. You checked
11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9
12. I said saw you, not you saw
13. I also skipped 2
14. You got tricked
15. I'm just wasting your time, so please go back to finding new jokes.

[OutOfControl]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.


The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

[GrowleyMonster]

Originally Posted by ontherocks83

Good one. I looked at it and laughed. I looked again, laughed again. Looked one more time, and laughed. Then once again, looked and laughed. Will it ever end? LOL good one.

[socaldmax]

[GordMay]

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by ontherocks83

After flipping his speedboat...

It's a miracle! {The miracle of high speed photography coupled with a heads-up photographer!} Great photo! Thanks for the laugh!

[svmariane]

Caution: certain folk should skip past this post.

So down at the pub one night George was holding court and George, he says that he'd been dating this woman for about six weeks. They'd made arrangements to meet of an eve and for reasons which he'd rather not get into he was running about two hours late. Says that later she was upset because he hadn't phoned or texted or emailed or nothing. But when he finally DID phone she said no problem, just stop and buy some condoms and bring them along. So he does. He shows up at her apartment and - well damn! There she is all decked out in this flimsy, sexy, red & black silky outfit. Over her shoulder (once he could tear his eyes away from, you know) he noted that the lights were turned out but the apartment was softly illuminated by what looked like hundreds of flickering candles! There was this scent of, what, Jasmine or something, wafting in the air. And that was definitely Frank Sinatra playing in the background. And George says to himself "Well hot damn! This is gonna be a great night!" She looks him in the eye, licks her lips, and asks in a sultry voice: "Did you bring the condoms?" He says "sure" he did, and places them into her outstretched hand. Then just before she slams the door she says "Thanks! Me and Harry appreciate it!"

[GordMay]

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power
Postulate 2: Time is money

As every engineer knows, Work / Time = Power

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work / Money = Knowledge

Solving for Money, we get: Work / Knowledge = Money

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more money you make.

[GordMay]

Many scientific papers contain some discoveries that are new, and some that are true. Unfortunately, those which are true are not new, and those which are new are not true.
Eg:
It has been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.

[LakeSuperior]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

[LakeSuperior]

My sandal invention for people with one leg...


turned out to be a flop.

[Yellowtulip]

Carbon Dating - for old people looking for a partner.

[D&D]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…

1) You have to be single and

2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!

[D&D]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

@D&D,

Dark humour there.

Or, the link didn't work.
Ann

Where's that quill pen...i.e. blame lack of tech savvy here...