The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[Yellowtulip]

A writer, needing isolation to finish a book rents a remote cottage. A week after he moves in there's a knock at the door. When he opens it there's a guy standing there.
He says " Hi. I'm your nearest neighbour. I live twenty miles north of here. Since you're new to the area I thought I'd throw a party in your honour, next Saturday. Are you interested?"
The writer thinking that one night off won't hurt says he is.
"Good", says the visitor, "but I should warn you that since there aren't many dos around here, the drinking tends to be very heavy when there is one."
"I like a drink," replies the writer.
"Great. Ermm, also, errm, when the drink flows, humm, there tends to be some, err, a lot of wild sex going on. Is that ok?"
"Hey, I'm all for sex!" Says the writer.
"Good, good. But there tends to be a bit of violence, too. Nothing vicious, you understand, just a good old-fashioned punch-up. Can you cope with that?"
" I can look after myself!"
"Good, that's settled then. See you Saturday at eight."
As the guy walks away, the writer calls out as an afterthought; "What should I wear?"
" Oh, nothing special. It'll just be the two of us...."

[LakeSuperior]

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”


Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

[LakeSuperior]

I needed $2.50 to take the bus home. "I only have $2.15 on me," I told the driver, "but to make up the difference, I'll greet wood planks. How's that sound?"


"Fare enough," he replied. "Welcome a board."

[LakeSuperior]

A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for 10 cents on the menu. He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?"


Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been brought here just today."


So the man orders some.


The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."

[socaldmax]

[D&D]

Things you can only say at Christmas
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

[StuM]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

A man walks into a restaurant and notices ...

You got me. I had to look at the first sentence again after reading the punch line.

[socaldmax]

[GordMay]

[delmarrey]

Common misspelled words:

They're thier there

Your you're yore

To too two

Pray prey

Weather wether whether

Lay lie lye

It's its

Lose loose

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

[socaldmax]

With enemas like that, who needs friends?

[Wotname]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Common misspelled words:

They're thier there

............

I see what you have done here

[Dave_S]

...................

[Buzzman]

They're iz noh knead two poak phun at sum wons spelling.