The New Joke Thread

[john61ct]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

So you have access to a 9 yr old mentor, but you have to ask us about Girl Scout cookies and social media trends.

I've never seen a girl scout in person, nor their cookies. Is that strange?

And my friend knows not to show me his memes, any more than I'd lecture him on DC electrics.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by jibstay

The scary part is that Facebook promoted the 10-year meme to secretly tune their facial recognition algorithms.

The Chinese are already useing face recognition sunglasses.... no joke!

https://www.wsj.com/articles/chinese...ses-1518004353

[jibstay]

Originally Posted by fxykty

I expect they have way more than enough date-stamped photos to use for their analysis already, given the rate people post selfies. This idea that the 10 yr meme is a plot has been debunked. Not everything is a conspiracy!

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Don’t try to tell me that’s a coincidence.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by jibstay

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Don’t try to tell me that’s a coincidence.

No, it's a clandestine meeting.

[delmarrey]

Was dumpster diving at the Marina and found this great little gimbaling table for eating underway.







.

[socaldmax]

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence. And then a gunshot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... Now what? "

[GrowleyMonster]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence. And then a gunshot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... Now what? "

Also told as a Boudreau and Thibodaux joke

[IslandHopper]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence. And then a gunshot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... Now what? "

.....................

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By0oe7BUDWQ

[LakeSuperior]

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

[Dave_S]

By order of my wife

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

And now to bring things down a few notches............

That is just so wrong...I had to watch it! [emoji1787]

[mako]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence. And then a gunshot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... Now what? "

Well I am a Sal, and I have a friend named Vin. Will make sure he never reads this thread!

[Dave_S]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that reads: "Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell and the owner tells him that the dog is in the backyard. The guy goe...s into the backyard and sees a nice looking mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten bucks."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a friggin' liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t!”

[Dave_S]

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by belizesailor

That is just so wrong...I had to watch it! [emoji1787]

Pigs are not allowed in the no go zones but here's a darling for them.

.