The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[Eigenvector]

Dog Humor........

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

Dog Humor........

Was it a bow line

[Buzzman]

More like a bow, wow, line...

[fxykty]

Pre-tied shoe laces!


I know, not nautical. Sorry, I’m only good at dad jokes.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

Dog Humor........

It could have been a dogshank. But hope it wasn't a catspaw!

[LakeSuperior]

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

[Eigenvector]

A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.



The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"



The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"



Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."



The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"



The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."





Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."



The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"



The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[GrowleyMonster]

My turn.

[OutOfControl]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[Eigenvector]

The plan.............

[LakeSuperior]

Me and my friend were walking in the park

Suddenly someone shouted: "Look a dead bird!"

My friend looked up at the sky and said: "Where?"

[LakeSuperior]

Did you hear about the place in western Czech Republic where they do hip-hop covers of Queen songs?

It's the Bohemian Rap City.

[LakeSuperior]

Everyone's heard of Schrodinger's cat, but have you heard of Doppler's cat

mmmmmeeeeEEEEEOOOOWwwwww

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Me and my friend were walking in the park

Suddenly someone shouted: "Look a dead bird!"

My friend looked up at the sky and said: "Where?"

Is your friend blonde....???


PS: Liked the Doppler cat.....

But do you know what goes meeeeoooooowwwwwoowwwwoooowwwoooowww?

A cat cable-tied to a Hills Hoist*

*Hills Hoist = rotary clothesline