The New Joke Thread

[LakeSuperior]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my feelings.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big old red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

They only do that after getting caught having an affair. The size of the diamond is directly proportional to his net wealth and cost of a potential divorce.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

They only do that after getting caught having an affair. The size of the diamond is directly proportional to his net wealth and cost of a potential divorce.

And that is the theory of relativity.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.
The conductor said, "Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it."
Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said, "Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one."
Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."

There is a lot of truth to that, I wouldn’t be surprised if that is a true story.
I went to a school that one of the Physicist that taught there was one of the few surviving from the Manhattan project, he was brilliant, but had no common sense, would wear different socks etc. Nice, formal but polite guy though. I saw him wandering through the parking lot one day and went over to help, he was looking at his car keys, he of course knew he had a car, but could not remember which one was his. He was looking at the key thinking that would tell him the type and narrow the choice down.
He simply didn’t care about a car so he didn’t dedicate any of his memory capacity to remember which one I think.
Today he would have been diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome I’m certain.

[socaldmax]

[StuM]

Took me a while to connect to Cast Away, but when it clicked -

[johnny AoB]

True Story -- Back in the day, a student friend of mine stopped Dr. Norbert Weiner (the MIT mathematician) on the walk between Building 8 and the Walker Memorial to ask a question about a problem from his class. Professor Weiner vary graciously answered the question and my friend thanked him and turned to leave when Professor Weiner said, “May I ask you a question?” My friend replied “Of course.” Professor Weiner then asked “When you stopped me, which way was I going?” To which my friend replied, “Toward Building 8.” Professor Weiner said, “Thanks, that means I’ve had lunch.” and started walking in that direction.

[john61ct]

Read that almost fifty years ago

https://www.jstor.org/stable/1499183

[GordMay]

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

Speaking of which ➥ https://www.theonion.com/bernie-sand...lan-1837515504
And ➥ https://www.theonion.com/impact-of-t...est-1837511869

[senormechanico]

Speaking of The Onion, here's a goodie:


https://local.theonion.com/school-ad...pro-1837617262

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by GordMay

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

Speaking of which ➥ https://www.theonion.com/bernie-sand...lan-1837515504
And ➥ https://www.theonion.com/impact-of-t...est-1837511869

Speaking of pie. Here’s a slice from NASA

https://www.nasa.gov/feature/goddard...greening-earth

[LakeSuperior]

I went to get my hair cut today. But there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!!

[LakeSuperior]

A man comes home from work. He says to his wife, "Honey, I've got a problem..."

Before he continues his wife says, "Sweety, we've got to work together smooth over any trouble we encounter in life, if you have a problem WE got a problem. Ok now that I made myself clear what were you saying?."

My secretary is pregnant.