The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Here's a math joke for the punsters...

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[johnny AoB]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted!

Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!”

The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Good one, mate!

Jim

[GordMay]

[svmariane]

Thanks, and a small nod towards the US President's comments on Hurricane Dorian's projected path.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Thanks, and a small nod towards the US President's comments on Hurricane Dorian's projected path.

You mean the one the NOAA briefed him on when they said the projected path was toward AL?

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

You mean the one the NOAA briefed him on when they said the projected path was toward AL?

I refer to the timeline of the NHC's sequentially updated projections compared to the timeline of Pres. Trumps comments.

[svmariane]

Anyway.... Bits and bobs of chatter overheard down to the pub:


I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I’m just after my money.

Of course I should clean my windows. But privacy is important too.

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail.
I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

One man to another: Hey! Listen! Eff with me, Dude, and there'll be nothing left of you but hair gel and a fake Rolex.

One woman to some guy: Let's understand reality, ok? I'm a seven without makeup. And you're a four with money. Those are the numbers... Crunch them as you will.

[svmariane]

Two other guys arguing at the pub...


You know what's wrong with you?

Yeah!?! So watcha gonna do about it?

Nothing, except remind you that life is short, so you probably
should get that fixed before the warranty runs out.

[Captain Bill]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

You mean the one the NOAA briefed him on when they said the projected path was toward AL?

I guess it's hard topay attention to updates from the back 9.