The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[JPA Cate]

Thanks for the laugh!

Ann

[svmariane]

Shhhhh... Be vewy, vewy quiet. Both of the Cates are on this thread. Jim AND Ann! At the same time! And their both mods! Shhhh... do something non-suspicious until they drift off somewhere else. Notify all the usual suspects. Team Red, cover the left flank. Team Blue, cover the right flank. No puns intended. We'll meet down to the dinghy dock later.

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Rats! That snuck right through my anti-virus software.

Opposite experience: starting with that specific post, my email starting putting CF notifications into the Junk folder - seriously.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull

Opposite experience: starting with that specific post, my email starting putting CF notifications into the Junk folder - seriously.

Well, some might say that the junk folder is exactly where many of the joke thread posts belong! Including some of MY posts.

Just wondering about something: If I post a survey question asking if people yes/no have put me on their ignore list, would the results have any relevance?

Couple of years back I posted a survey asking if I should be banned from the joke thread. Got quite a few responses. Well, there was this one CF member who claimed (or complained) that the survey was meaningless because respondents could select more than one option. (sigh) Some people just don't get a joke.


Speaking of the joke thread...

A sailor is newly stationed on a submarine. He arrives to find all the other sailors at their posts performing different tasks. One is scrubbing the deck. One is restocking cabinets. One is inspecting missiles. Etc., etc.

After 15 minutes, all the sailors switch posts/jobs. After another 15 minutes, they all switch again. Happens a third time 15 minutes later.

This behavior is so odd, the sailor asks the Chief of the Boat: “is this some kind of unique practical joke you’re playing on the new guy?”

“No,” the Chief replies sternly.

“On this sub there are no original jokes. Only lots of reposts.”
***

Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks.
***

Three ducks walk into a bar. (Yada yada)
Third one isn't named Louie.

(I like that joke but I just posted it here a month or so ago. Use the search function if you don't recall the full, complete, and humerous original.
C'mon... Don't be lazy! )
***

Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
***

What would you call Popeye The Sailor Man if he was a camera man?
Popeye DSLR Man
***

A chicken and an egg were laying in bed. The chicken looks over at the egg, takes a drag on a cigarette, and smugly says "I guess that answers that question."

(Alternate ending: the chicken looks angrily at the egg and says "Well, I guess that answers that question!")
***

A Sailor is back from deployment and comes into the bar all moody and pissed off. He orders a double whiskey at the bar. Then he starts rambling on and on about how lousy a wife he’s got until the bartender says …

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about. All the other guys in here have nothing but compliments about your wife!”
***


Breaking news! Elon Musk announces that within two years his company will have a restaurant up and running on Earth's moon. His Tesla Roadster, an electric sports car launched aboard the February 2018 Falcon Heavy test flight and currently waiting in orbit, will serve to chauffeur guests between earth orbit and the restaurant at the moon. (Not to be confused with the restaurant at the end of the universe. Different company.)

The Michelin travel guide predicts the restaurant will probably only receive two out of three stars because, while no doubt it will have exquisite cuisine, it will lack atmosphere.
***


I'll show myself out now.

.

[svmariane]

Young couple, all dressed up for the evening, sitting at a corner table, candlelit dinner in progress, sipping wine... obviously a romantic encounter. Guy says:

"I'd love to have kids, but infertility runs in my family."

[GordMay]

[Karanga]

Jeepers!
This is the first one of these Dilberts that I think I "get", and possibly find vaguely amusing...
All the rest of them are way over my head and far too smart for me

Originally Posted by GordMay

[cherylchecheryl]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

I heard the guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in piece

Hope he rots in hello

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Karanga

Jeepers!
This is the first one of these Dilberts that I think I "get", and possibly find vaguely amusing...

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by GordMay

We are all lost!

[LakeSuperior]

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: "HALT!"

"I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"

Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"

Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!"

Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest.

The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!"

"HALT!"

[LakeSuperior]

A twofer ..

If I'm fat but identify as slim.
Does that mean I am trans slender?

*****

My wife threw a pack of sliced turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey...

[svmariane]

My wife is German. While we were living in Thailand she volunteered to help teach English language classes for teenagers at the nearby monestary.

There's now a whole bunch of Thai kids speaking English with a Bavarian accent.

[svmariane]

When somebody in the anchorage organizes a pot luck afternoon picnic with all of the cruisers, on the beach at low tide, and my wife doesn't tell anyone that the secret ingredient in her Bavarian potato salad is wildberry schnapps.