The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Bits and bobs of chatter overheard down to the pub.

My Grandma had an amazing way with words. I remember I rang her up after my Granddad had gone into this full-care home – very sad. I asked how is he getting on in this home? She said ‘oh he’s like a fish out of water’, I said ‘is he finding it hard to adjust?’ She said ‘no, he’s dead.
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The only honest answer when someone asks you if you love them is 'at the moment, yes', but try saying that without getting a kick in the nuts.
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Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
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People think it always rains in Seattle. Not true, though I admit it's the only town in the country with a lifeboat drill on the bus routes.
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It was a tough school that I went to. The teacher said to the class 'What comes after a sentence? Some kid answered: 'You make an appeal.'
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My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.
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I went down to the corner store and bought a bag of crisps. I got spring onion because I felt I needed to eat some vegetables.
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The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.
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Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.
***


Edit:

Somebody recently PM'd me and asked: 'What’s the difference between the original Joke Thread and The New Joke Thread?' Frankly, as far as I’m concerned there’s no difference – they didn’t laugh at my jokes in the original thread either.

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by svmariane

[B]

Edit:

Somebody recently PM'd me and asked: 'What’s the difference between the original Joke Thread and The New Joke Thread?' Frankly, as far as I’m concerned there’s no difference – they didn’t laugh at my jokes in the original thread either.

LMAO!!!!!!

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Montanan

LMAO!!!!!!

Thanks for the .... Hey! Wait a minute! Ya laughing AT me or WITH me?

[svmariane]

Time for my semi-annual public apology.

Years ago I was at a yard sale of mostly men's clothes, shoes, golf clubs,and other guy stuff. There were a couple of ladies running the sale. I should have kept my stupid trap shut, but I joked to them that this looked like a "Thank God and Greyhound he's GONE" kind of sale!

One lady looked at me with horror, but the other lady busted out laughing. They were sisters, the one who laughed told me it was her husband's things and he died. I wanted to disappear, I felt like such a jerk! She was so kind, she told me she needed the laugh as everyone had been walking on eggshells and she appreciated my humor. I still acted like an idiot, and I'm so sorry.

There. Public apology.


Oh! You thought I meant apologize about my posted jokes?
Bwahahahaha!

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Thanks for the .... Hey! Wait a minute! Ya laughing AT me or WITH me?

Maybe neither AT or WITH but perhaps Because Of. Still chuckling, in any case much enjoyed.

[Montanan]

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
– Benjamin Franklin

[Montanan]

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”
– Billy Connolly

[Montanan]

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
– Billy Wilder

[Montanan]

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
– Carl Sagan

[Montanan]

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”
– Charles de Gaulle

[Montanan]

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
– Charlie Chaplin

[Montanan]

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'”
– Conan O’Brien

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Thanks for the .... Hey! Wait a minute! Ya laughing AT me or WITH me?

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
– Cullen Hightower

[Montanan]

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
– Dalai Lama

[Montanan]

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
– Dave Barry