The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

What's the difference between a pizza and a Liberal Arts degree?

A pizza is able to feed an entire family.

I know (I hope) that this is meant to be humorous, but as someone who studied for a "Liberal Arts degree" [and my personal preference is to hell with the 'Liberal'], I feel I should point out that it is *exactly* this sort of casual bastardisation and disparagement that diminishes both the Arts and the Sciences in the minds of lay people.

So let me make it plain: the word "Liberal" [or liberal, with a small 'L'] is categorically NOT to be used as a pejorative.

It has the same emotional and corrosive effect as the use of the "n" word when describing people of colour.

It'd be like, as a metaphor, a car guy saying "all sailors are stupid".

Or, from the flip side of the popularly-peceived "anti-liberal" push, for one of them to say "all conservatives are redneck ratbags".

PLease not I am using "general" terminology for "general" indications, not pointing the finger at any identifiable political group or party.

We need to be careful with words, even on the Joke Forum, as words can have a power of their own.

Having said all that, as a card-carrying, small-l-liberal of an Australian centrist political persuasion, I did find it amusing.

But, for the record, there is no way one pizza feeds my family. Heck, sometimes it doesn't even feed me!

[Buzzman]

And in case anyone thinks I'm being too 'sensative'....

Q: What paper do they print Arts degrees on?

A: Toilet paper. They're only good for wiping your a***e with!

[Actually, mine's printed on vellum, and framed, so there's no way I'm ever wiping my a***e with it. But I do hang it on the back of the toilet door. (wink)]

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

I know (I hope) that this is meant to be humorous, but as someone who studied for a "Liberal Arts degree" [and my personal preference is to hell with the 'Liberal'], I feel I should point out that it is *exactly* this sort of casual bastardisation and disparagement that diminishes both the Arts and the Sciences in the minds of lay people.

So let me make it plain: the word "Liberal" [or liberal, with a small 'L'] is categorically NOT to be used as a pejorative.

It has the same emotional and corrosive effect as the use of the "n" word when describing people of colour.

It'd be like, as a metaphor, a car guy saying "all sailors are stupid".

Or, from the flip side of the popularly-peceived "anti-liberal" push, for one of them to say "all conservatives are redneck ratbags".

PLease not I am using "general" terminology for "general" indications, not pointing the finger at any identifiable political group or party.

We need to be careful with words, even on the Joke Forum, as words can have a power of their own.

Says the man who regularly uses the epithet "denier" here on CF

[Mirage35]

"Fore yeers ago i coudent even spel Engineer, an now i are one."


Vaguely recalled from my time as an Engineering student; we all got a laugh out of it.

[john61ct]

jokes.

if you're offended keep it to yourself

[Buzzman]

LOL... touché!

Nothing like being hoist with your own petard...

BUT, to be fair, I *don't* as a rule use the word as a pejorative, merely as a descriptor.

It's like using the term 'Christian' to describe somone who 'follows Christ'. They clearly aren't 'Buddhist'.

A 'denier' (or denialist, if you prefer) has adopted and/or espouses a 'faith-based' position in direct opposition to the evidence-based scientific opinion, in the same way those identifying as 'practising religious' believe in an omnipotent 'God-being' who they believe created the Earth and the Universe in seven days.

Scientifically, this claim/belief has been throughly disproven, and demonstrably so, but they 'choose' to continue to believe in the old, pre-science, faith-based version of events.

I have no objection to people believing in a "fantasy sky-man" [my term], as this cannot harm me. Call it God, if you like. No skin off my nose. If it keeps you happy, you go for it. Your doing so does me no harm.

But denying the mounting and incontrovertible evidence of anthropomorphic climate change..?? Now THAT has the potential to harm me and mine.

Oh, and FTR, I do identify as 'Christian', despite not being a 'believer'.

The Christian Bible, like the other great regligious texts, was originally conceived as a means of social control, using such devices as parables to demonstrate to a non-literate world the ways in which we should live our lives, and to describe morals and ethics using practical examples.

The 'good Samaritan' is probably the one most people recognise or can recall easily. The moral being that you should help others - no matter the cost to yourself, and regardless of whether they are kith and/or kin. This was then [and largely is still today] considered the most 'humane' way for humans to behave.

Where I and the 'faith-based-believers' part company is over the notion that a book written 1600 years ago is necessarily the only way to interpret human actions, or the only way we should/could behave today.

Human society has moved on. Some attitudes and practices have changed. The so-called 'teachings' have not kept up. Or, to be fair, some very small sections of them are no longer necessarily to be taken as 'gospel'. [IMVHO]

Though I respect the 'right' of faith-based-believers to choose to disagree on these issues, I do not accept that mine (or anyone else's) choices as to how they choose to live their lives are anyone's business but their own.

But this is seriously off-topic, so my apologies, back to the jokes!

[Buzzman]

If you meet a women, start talking about global warming. It's a real icebreaker
.
Clean coal is a bit like wearing a porous condom - at least the intention was there.


How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – There is no known evidence that light bulbs burn out.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – It is too early to say if the light bulb needs changing.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – The light bulb will eventually begin working again.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – The light bulb is not really burned out, it is a scientific conspiracy.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – They will never agree on exactly how to change the light bulb.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – It is more cost effective to live in the dark.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – We only know how to screw the planet.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – The Internet has proven that the light bulb is not actually burned out but is burning even brighter than before.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – There were far more burned out light bulbs in the ancient past, why should we change them today?



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – Climate scientists don’t change light bulbs. But! They tell us how light bulbs have changed in the past and how they are going to change in the future.


How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don’t know but you better hurry, they are being banned because of climate change.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – Changing light bulbs is for engineers.



How many climate scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The luminosity of the sun is of the order of 10^26 watts, so clearly the effect of any single light bulb is so small as to be negligible.



How many surrealist painters does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.



What happens when you rub two climate scientists together? Global warming.



Why are blondes our best chance for solving climate change? Blondes know the meaning of ‘hot’!



You know Global Warming is real when:
- Hot water comes out of both taps.
- You go outside and your shadow stays inside.
- The chickens are laying hard boiled eggs.
- The trees are whistling for dogs.
- You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
- Morning dew is an oddity.



How many politicians does it take to solve climate change? The theory that politicians solve anything at all is yet to be proven.

[svmariane]

Maybe now is a good time for something completely different.

#Meanwhile In Russia

If you don't speak/understand Russian then turn on closed captions -
The translation is fairly close in English. Sort of.

Also. a few mins into the video they switch to wide screen vs the 1/3 vertical cell phone display.
Shortly before they begin field testing in the countryside.

Also, use the youtube link at the top to enable wide-screen display.

Also, that really is {ahem, was} a real Bentley.

Also, it's a radically cool concept!

This qualifies for the joke thread, as in "You're joking, right? You did WHAT to a Bentley?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taLvoVXFDmM

[LakeSuperior]

A farmer accidentally overcooked his one of a kind, psychic cow.

He now has a rare medium well done!

[LakeSuperior]

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."

The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

[Bullshooter]

yer killing my Buzz Man...

[svmariane]

Breaking News

Google's NEW* Opt Out feature and policy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMChO0qNbkY

(* "Opt Out" feature first posted in 2009 but some CF users might be too young -
or too old - to remember.)
.

[ben2go]

All smoke and mirrors with google. You can't opt out of any of their stuff. Google is integrated into everything, phones, android, IOS, Apple/Mac, plus their search engine and browsers. I've been fighting to keep google out of my life for the past 10 years. They're even running bots and watching what we're doing on this website. Google has more power than any world governments. Sometimes I wonder if google is the New World Order.

[john61ct]

be funnier please