The New Joke Thread

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

Just been in to Tim’s, and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
***


100 sailors are on a naval vessel, with 1 nun ...
They are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The captain gets on the PA and announces "We've been hit, abandon ship...I repeat abandon ship!" They all get off the ship, and and take the life-boats. They go back and forth to the ship for survival items, as quickly as the could, before it finished sinking.
When the chaos was all said and done, and the survivors reached an island, there were 20 remaining sailors and 1 nun.
The sailors talked the nun into performing sexual favors for them.
After a month of performing sexual favors for 20 sailors, on a daily basis, the nun became so ashamed of what she's been doing, she committed suicide.
About a month after that, the sailors became so ashamed of what they were doing, they decided to bury her.

And about a month after that, the sailors were so ashamed of what they were doing, they decided to dig her up again.

[svmariane]

Have you noticed that the only difference between the words IMMORTALITY and IMMORALITY is just one letter "T"? (Pronounced "tea".)

This explains the demise of the British Empire, what with the British loss of control of the world-wide tea trade.

History in a Nutshell. Thank you very much.
Video blog coming soon. Sponsors appreciated.

[svmariane]

History in a Nutshell

Coming soon: How German Beer, French Champagne, British Tea, and American so-called "coffee" inevitably led to the current BREXIT crisis.

(still looking for sponsors)

[svmariane]

(And yes, StuM, I know, I know.... Would have made more sense or been better if I'd written "world-wide T trade". Chalk it up to a rush to post. )

[StuM]

Originally Posted by svmariane

(And yes, StuM, I know, I know.... Would have made more sense or been better if I'd written "world-wide T trade". Chalk it up to a rush to post. )

Ashley, I thought it was fine the way you did it

[svmariane]

Just googled "ashley". Hmmm... Ash tree meadow. Meadow, forest clearing. A lack of ash trees in a given area. Missing what would otherwise be there. Where there was something, now nothing. Hey! You calling me nothing!?!?!? Huh!?!?!


Just don't call me Surely.

(Or spell it surly.)

[StuM]

Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Ted: "Actually, I..."
Rumack: "Don't call me Ashley either."


(Also a Phil Collins instrumental)

[Jdege]

Mamie was polishing her nails behind the notions counter when a red-faced man in a loud checked suit swaggered over, almost knocked her down with a slap on her back, and demanded, "Hi, toots. Where can a guy go to wash his mitts?"

Mamie drew herself up haughtily. "There's a door down the end of this aisle," she said, "marked 'Gentlemen', but don't mind that. Go right in."

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by StuM

Ted: "Actually, I..."
Rumack: "Don't call me Ashley either."

So I'd completely forgotten that bit and glossed right over the reference. Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop watching old films.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

So I'd completely forgotten that bit and glossed right over the reference. Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop watching old films.

https://youtu.be/hd1ciPnTGKg

[GordMay]

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Canada, phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!”, replied the Frenchman.

[Buzzman]

Apropos of Gord's shipwrecked sailors...an old limerick that I actually read in a published, hardcopy book...I'm not making this up...

There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead ho in a cave
He said "I know it's disgusting,
but she only needs dusting,
And think of the money I save!"


[Apologies to legitimate, professional sex-workers everywhere.....we once used to find your profession a source of what at that time passed for humour...]

[Epicurean]

John's OK.

[Buzzman]

NFOMCL