The New Joke Thread

[Epicurean]

Don't forget it's that time of year, at least in the US. Give thanks to those who make the transition go smoothly.

[Buzzman]

Yeah, but you're going to be setting them the wrong way....

Fall forward, spring back, is that the mnemonic?

Trouble is, it's opposite time of year here, so as you Spring back, we Fall forward.

'Course, we don't actually have too many native trees that are deciduous, so not much actuall 'fall', and we don't get much snow, so you could visit here in Fall/Winter and not even notice it wasn't Spring, or Summer for that matter, as many of our winter day temps get to 30degC.

But we like it.... [grin]

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Yeah, but you're going to be setting them the wrong way....

Fall forward, spring back, is that the mnemonic?

Trouble is, it's opposite time of year here, so as you Spring back, we Fall forward.

'Course, we don't actually have too many native trees that are deciduous, so not much actuall 'fall', and we don't get much snow, so you could visit here in Fall/Winter and not even notice it wasn't Spring, or Summer for that matter, as many of our winter day temps get to 30degC.

But we like it.... [grin]

Ausie Time Pieces. Take your pick. Truly try to get your head around these and correctly state the time.


Daylight saving time 2019 in New South Wales began at 2:00 AM on
Sunday, October 6
and ends at 2:00 AM on
Sunday, April 5, 2020
All times are in Eastern Australia Time.

Why is New South Wales time proscribed as Eastern Australia time, what province is Eastern Australia? New Zealand perhaps????

[Uncle Bob]

Originally Posted by Montanan

Ausie Time Pieces. Take your pick. Truly try to get your head around these and correctly state the time.


Daylight saving time 2019 in New South Wales began at 2:00 AM on
Sunday, October 6
and ends at 2:00 AM on
Sunday, April 5, 2020
All times are in Eastern Australia Time.

Why is New South Wales time proscribed as Eastern Australia time, what province is Eastern Australia? New Zealand perhaps????

Yeah, funny isn't it, a little island in the pacific and it has three time zones (sometimes four when Queensland won't join the daylight saving brigade), just greedy I say.

[Buzzman]

That's like the old one about the Irish gardener...

How do you confuse an Irish gardener?

Show him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by Uncle Bob

Yeah, funny isn't it, a little island in the pacific and it has three time zones (sometimes four when Queensland won't join the daylight saving brigade), just greedy I say.

You mean the not so little isle.

I am from Montana, the only State that from East to West spans an entire time zone, called Montana Time, a.k.a. Mountain Time.

So how is it always living in tomorrow land? It sure would be handy to call you to find out what tomorrow will bring.

[Uncle Bob]

Originally Posted by Montanan

You mean the not so little isle.

I am from Montana, the only State that from East to West spans an entire time zone, called Montana Time, a.k.a. Mountain Time.

So how is it always living in tomorrow land? It sure would be handy to call you to find out what tomorrow will bring.

Damn you man, my tongue in cheek sarcasm exposed for all to see.

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Yeah, but you're going to be setting them the wrong way....

Fall forward, spring back, is that the mnemonic?

Trouble is, it's opposite time of year here, so as you Spring back, we Fall forward.

'Course, we don't actually have too many native trees that are deciduous, so not much actuall 'fall', and we don't get much snow, so you could visit here in Fall/Winter and not even notice it wasn't Spring, or Summer for that matter, as many of our winter day temps get to 30degC.

But we like it.... [grin]

Living here on the Flathead Nation of the Confederated Salish and Kootenai Tribes in the Last Best Place.

[svmariane]

So I've been working on my "Last Will and Testament", you know, how I want my worldly assets dividend amongst my heirs, and how I'd like my funeral arrangements and stuff like that. Turns out you can have some fun with all that! Some examples:

* I've specified that my Rembrant painting titled Slaughtered Ox be gifted to my first wife due to her love of hamburgers. Assessed value of the painting is 1.4 million dollars. She might need to argue with the Louvre Museum in Paris over ownership rights, but that's her problem.

* I've gifted both my championship racehorses to my son. Due to tax liabilities (and a possible maybe ya'never know ongoing criminal investigation) he'll need to carefully research their current location. Not promising anything, but learning to speak Kazakh might prove valuable.

* I've gifted all the gold stored in my Lichtenstein Bank safe deposit box(s) to my second wife. The Bank pass codes and safe deposit key(s) are located in a small chest located at GPS coordinates Latitude: 11° 20' 59.99" N, Longitude: 142° 11' 60.00" E. (Caution: best to check weather forecasts before diving in the Marianes Trench.)

* I've specified that my remains be scattered in the harbors of eight of my favorite sailing ports-of-call. I do not want to be cremated.


Edit: No, The foregoing is not the rambling of a sick man, as I do not have COVID-19. But I do consume Corona Beer so the verdict is still out....

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Apropos of Gord's shipwrecked sailors...an old limerick that I actually read in a published, hardcopy book...I'm not making this up...

There was a young man named Dave
Who kept a xxxx xxxxx in a cave.
da da da da

da da da da

And think of the money I save!"

[Apologies to legitimate, professional sex-workers everywhere.....we once used to find your profession a source of what at that time passed for humour...]

There are dozens of variations on the 3rd and fourth lines for that one.


He's a small sampling:
(Again NSFW)
https://www.brodavelister.com/scribble/hermit1.htm

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Uncle Bob

Yeah, funny isn't it, a little island in the pacific and it has three time zones (sometimes four when Queensland won't join the daylight saving brigade), just greedy I say.

For a given definition of "little" and "island"


6th largest country in the world, more than twice the size of the next largest (India).


Nearly 4 times the size of the largest generally recognised island (Greenland), and 10 times the size of the second largest (New Guinea)

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by StuM

There are dozens of variations on the 3rd and fourth lines for that one.


He's a small sampling:
(Again NSFW)
https://www.brodavelister.com/scribble/hermit1.htm

thanks Stu, for an erudite and interesting (and kinda amusing) treatise on the dead whore/cave gambit. As a fifth line society enthusiast, I appreciate the effort of Dave and his research.

Jim

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by Uncle Bob

Yeah, funny isn't it, a little island in the pacific and it has three time zones (sometimes four when Queensland won't join the daylight saving brigade), just greedy I say.

And not only does Oz have a bunch of time zones, some of them operate on half hour deviations from the others. And I think that's sick!

Jim

[GILow]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

And not only does Oz have a bunch of time zones, some of them operate on half hour deviations from the others...

Subtract half an hour AND fifty years for South Australia.

[CatNewBee]

... Bavarian time is different....