The New Joke Thread

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull

Having dealt with a few reporters when I was a financial analyst, I can confirm that math usually isn't their strongest subject.

Early in my career I was a financial analyst for a biotechnology company, back in the day when all one had to report was that you cloned something, anything and the company stock would jump on the news or the rumor. Of course, cloning meant little to nothing as to advancing to a marketable product, just the first baby step of a 20 year journey to market.

When the financial reports and analysts from Wall Street would call asking: Why did your stock go up today? I would respond with "Because it didn't go down." When they would ask why did your stock go down, I would reply in the alternative "Because it didn't go up." At first, I only received the calls when our Investor Relations personnel were not available to take a call. It drove the Investor Relations staff nuts that I would give such quotable answers to the Financial Press or to Wall Street Analysts. But heck my answer was always truthful and transparent and also of outside knowledge so not giving any inside non-public information away. I recall being quoted in the Wall Street Journal once with my "Official Company Spokesperson" response that way. It was a real chuckle to read in the paper the next day. After a while the reporters and analysts quit calling as they grew to know what our company's official response had become to their inquiries as to why the stock had volatility.

[LakeSuperior]

Originally Posted by Montanan

Early in my career I was a financial analyst for a biotechnology company, back in the day when all one had to report was that you cloned something, anything and the company stock would jump on the news or the rumor. Of course, cloning meant little to nothing as to advancing to a marketable product, just the first baby step of a 20 year journey to market.

When the financial reports and analysts from Wall Street would call asking: Why did your stock go up today? I would respond with "Because it didn't go down." When they would ask why did your stock go down, I would reply in the alternative "Because it didn't go up." At first, I only received the calls when our Investor Relations personnel were not available to take a call. It drove the Investor Relations staff nuts that I would give such quotable answers to the Financial Press or to Wall Street Analysts. But heck my answer was always truthful and transparent and also of outside knowledge so not giving any inside non-public information away. I recall being quoted in the Wall Street Journal once with my "Official Company Spokesperson" response that way. It was a real chuckle to read in the paper the next day. After a while the reporters and analysts quit calling as they grew to know what our company's official response had become to their inquiries as to why the stock had volatility.

Explain to myself and a few others how this fits into the joke thread? Perhaps a feigned segue for you to communicate how business important you are or were. Why not just post a bad joke...or wait maybe this is a bad joke.

[ptards]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Explain to myself and a few others how this fits into the joke thread? Perhaps a feigned segue for you to communicate how business important you are or were. Why not just post a bad joke...or wait maybe this is a bad joke.

That's also not very funny.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by StuM

> as fast as 80.5 kph while sneezing can expell upwards of 100,000 droplettes as far as eight metres, and as fast as 161 kph

Doncha just love it when a researcher gives an approximation that is probably to the nearest 10 mph at best (50 and 100 mph) and some reporter does a metric conversion to 3 significant figures :0

Well, I DID annotate with "calculations subject to peer review".

[svmariane]

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

”Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”

”Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings!”



I'll see myself out...

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Christmas time!

Telling your daughter a bedtime story about Santa living in a giant submarine at the North Pole, followed by singing "I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas."

We end with a quiet round of sobbing and another soy whisky.

Speaking of Xmas and singing, here a little song about the year 2030 that’s come out lately.......
https://youtu.be/3tIG1ahMeBs

[OutOfControl]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and,after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."

[GordMay]

[svmariane]

Some general thoughts concerning information obtained via social media:


Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me thrice, I probably don't deserve to be drawing oxygen, and I'm as surprised as you are that I'm functional enough to string this entire sentence together.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Some general thoughts concerning
DECEITFUL PARTNERS AND FAILED MARRIAGES:


Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me thrice, I probably don't deserve to be drawing oxygen, and I'm as surprised as you are that I'm functional enough to string this entire sentence together.

Edited a bit to apply to Marriages and committed relationships

I guess at:
Fool me Four Times, you probably should be "committed"

[LakeSuperior]

News Anchor: CDC advises no handshakes at this time.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Aww... "STOPS BLENDER"

[Buzzman]

.....and opted to go with a Head Shake instead....

[Eigenvector]

99999999999999999999999

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

99999999999999999999999

bottles of beer on a wall?
If so, the wall just about stretches from one side of our galaxy to the other

[El Pinguino]

A thought from a friend...

Suppose a time traveler had said to you 12 months ago..

'In 2020, the Italian governor of New York will close all the bars the day before St. Patrick's, and not a soul will peep in complaint."