The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

Sign posted in the pub:

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide but you can't run.


Stuff overheard in passing:

Everytime you access facebook a science book dies.

Whenever I go running I meet new people. Usually paramedics.

My grandpa once said that my generation relies too much on technology. I replied that no, HIS generation relied too much on technology. Then I proceeded to pull the plug on his life support equipment.



How social media has evolved:

Guy: hello 911. I'm dying.
911: let me see.
Guy: what?
911: what meme are you looking at?
Guy: no, I'm literally dying.
911: lmao. tag me

[svmariane]

In trying times we must endevor to maintain perspective,
to take care of our personal psyche. I recommend a

[smbdyiam2]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Shouldn't we wait until after the pandemic to fill out the census?

it is dated for April 1 April fools day. Just like most statistics a joke. Well maybe not it is from government. Or still is?

[CaptTom]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Sign posted in the pub:

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide but you can't run.

My cousin was working on genealogy. She was having a hard time tracking down some long-dead ancestors from several generations back.

She used the same punch line: "They can hide, but they can't run."

[svmariane]

About the 2016 census, but still...

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Shouldn't we wait until after the pandemic to fill out the census?

Nah... To function properly the government needs accurate information about the populace.

[svmariane]

Speaking of genealogy (We WERE speaking of that, no?) here's something to go with the wine and cheese.

01 “My ancestors are so hard to find, they must have been in a witness protection program!”

02 Eventually, all genealogists come to their census.

03 Genealogists: The only people who are excited to read obituaries.

04 “Done! Everything in the family tree has been found and is completely organized” — said no genealogist. Ever.

05 Genealogist: Disturbs the dead and irritates the living.

06 Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide… we seek!

07 “I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.”

08 Gene-Allergy: It’s a contagious disease, but we love it.

09 Genealogy: Where the answer to one problem leads to two more!

0A “My husband calls cemeteries ancestor farms.”

0B “I’m more interested in what happened in 1820, than what’s happening today in 2020”.

0C Wife to husband: “Never mind the children, do you know where your second great-grandparents are tonight?”

0D Only a genealogist views a step backwards as progress.

0E “I used to have a lot of free time… then I discovered genealogy.”

0F “I collect dead relatives!”

10 “My ancestors did WHAT?”

11 A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a mighty fine ancestor.

12 “I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.”

13 “I think my ancestors had several “bad heir” days.”

[svmariane]

About that wine and cheese.... This CV-19 really hit Italy hard, sad to say. One of the knock-on effects might be a delayed or limited vinyard harvest with minimal wine production. Good lord, maybe even none except for local use!

Speaking of, have you recently noticed the growing number of stumbling amateurs producing home Whines by harvesting Gripes? No?



Too soon?

[socaldmax]

[svmariane]

Diving deeper through the depths of the internet in search for the unusual we find ourselves surfacing with this throwback to the glorious days of The Western. But... Suppose that the bad guys are guys and the good guys are women; suppose the weapon of choice for the antagonist is guitar whilst for the protagonist 'tis the violin. Now maybe, just maybe, that bank robbery might go something like this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvipPYFebWc

Edit: Oh, yeah. About the choreography? Even the horses are in step with the music, come the end. Gotta notice the little things when in social distancing mode.

edit the edit: Damn it!! I SAW you roll your eyes! Behave yourself. Damn whippersnapper...

[svmariane]

All this self-isolation and social distancing is allowing people time to give their inventive instincts free rein. Example: A guy invented an instrument that was a cross between an accordion and a bagpipe.

He was immediately shot.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by svmariane

All this self-isolation and social distancing is allowing people time to give their inventive instincts free rein. Example: A guy invented an instrument that was a cross between an accordion and a bagpipe.

He was immediately shot.

Lol......did they call it s PolkaJig?

Definitely capital punishment worthy!

[GordMay]

[Montanan]

Pun time, for fun time.

[Montanan]

TP Harvesting, because TP doesn't grow on trees.