The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?"

One of them chirped "It's WALES you ***king idiot !!!"

So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

Laughter is the Best Medicine

• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

• I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

• Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

• PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

• Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

• So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

• I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Living room.

• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[StuM]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

See? I knew Stu liked movie #9!

Typo, I meant crockpot pie of course

[LakeSuperior]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo. The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts... "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts... "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". Thoroughly angry now that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, "OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and starts to sing..... "A jazz chord to shay I ruv you.”

[LakeSuperior]

Teaching the farm animals to read was going well until the chickens read a book on democracy.

Then they staged a Coop d'etat

[LakeSuperior]

Before the quarantine I was going to strip clubs almost every day...

...but now they're all clothed until further notice.

[Jdege]

"Mama," said little Linda, "do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'?"

"No, darling," said Mama grimly. "Sometimes they begin, 'My love, I will be detained at the office pretty late tonight.'"

[JoeRobertJr]

Originally Posted by Jdege

"Mama," said little Linda, "do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'?"

"No, darling," said Mama grimly. "Sometimes they begin, 'My love, I will be detained at the office pretty late tonight.'"

Ooo... someone is getting a little fairy tail on the side.

[socaldmax]

There is a bar here in San Diego called "The Office."

You can see where this is going.