The New Joke Thread

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

As for jokes based on race, ethnicity, low IQ or gender, thank God those are still allowed. Let's not kick that sleeping dog too hard.

I believe someone mentioned that one was removed because someone was offended. I am not sure but I think it was the one that poked fun at the Chinese and it was a YouTube video.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Afrinus

Maybe you should ban truths rather.....seing that both recent trumpian topics are only available to be be made fun of as they cut too close to that uncomfortable thing called truth...

If your skin is so thin that making fun of a political (therefore public) figure hurts, maybe you shouldn't read any jokes...

No poles, no politicians....geez, the world sure is turning sour.....

You do realize it's not the Trump supporters who are thin skinned, right?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If one side can't crack wise about the loser of '16, the other side shouldn't be able to take shots at the Winner. Pretty simple concept.

Hell, you should have seen the crapstorm when I posted a funny (truthful) observation about Anderson Cooper. You would have thought I called Mother Theresa a working girl! Apparently CNN watchers are a thin skinned group!

PS: Poles are still fair game, pay attention.

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by carstenb

How can you tell if there are Marines on board a carrier?


well, if there guys throwing bread out to the helicopters......................

In the spirit of brothers in arms, what is the difference between the Army and the Boy Scouts?

The Boy Scouts have adult supervision!

[Saleen411]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

I believe someone mentioned that one was removed because someone was offended. I am not sure but I think it was the one that poked fun at the Chinese and it was a YouTube video.

YES, that would be mine...."Chinese Food"

Somebody here complained that it was racist. I got it from my pilot's forum...it's still there, with LOTS of positive comments.

My GF who is Hong Kong Chinese thought it was really funny.....but, that's to be expected since anything that pokes fun at the mainland Chinese is good form to many HK natives.

Obviously humor is in the eye of the beholder......hard not to offend at least one person no matter what joke is posted. However, I'm sure the deleted video put a smile on at least one person's face. That makes my day.

[ArmyDaveNY]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0w5...T&index=2&t=0s

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

I believe someone mentioned that one was removed because someone was offended. I am not sure but I think it was the one that poked fun at the Chinese and it was a YouTube video.

Oh yeah.

Since it was made by two Chinese guys, I didn't think it was racist, but I'm not in charge around here.

Remember all of the black comics of the 70s and 80s? They made millions using the N word. I wasn't amused, since they claim it's an offensive word, but they can use it, and they did about every 3 seconds.

However if a Nascar driver says it once, he loses millions.

Silly me, I thought the double standard worked for all ethnic groups, ie. the Chinese can poke fun at their own group, but apparently not, only a certain group has earned that privilege.

[Saleen411]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Oh yeah.

Since it was made by two Chinese guys, I didn't think it was racist, but I'm not in charge around here.

Remember all of the black comics of the 70s and 80s? They made millions using the N word. I wasn't amused, since they claim it's an offensive word, but they can use it, and they did about every 3 seconds.

However if a Nascar driver says it once, he loses millions.

Silly me, I thought the double standard worked for all ethnic groups, ie. the Chinese can poke fun at their own group, but apparently not, only a certain group has earned that privilege.

Yea....the Chinese Food video was produced by VERY famous Chinese movie mogul....Harvey WONGSTEIN!.

[ArmyDaveNY]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F1d...XfTRPT&index=2

[ArmyDaveNY]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njn6krU3tQ8

[ArmyDaveNY]

Here's one that addresses a lot of groups. Given that it's Richard Prior, I am sure no one will be surprised.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyeUyb7jGtY

[Afrinus]

I like the "taking a shot" at a politician....I say we dont discriminate - take shots at them all....after all, only good politician is a dead one....

Originally Posted by socaldmax

You do realize it's not the Trump supporters who are thin skinned, right?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If one side can't crack wise about the loser of '16, the other side shouldn't be able to take shots at the Winner. Pretty simple concept.

Hell, you should have seen the crapstorm when I posted a funny (truthful) observation about Anderson Cooper. You would have thought I called Mother Theresa a working girl! Apparently CNN watchers are a thin skinned group!

PS: Poles are still fair game, pay attention.

[socaldmax]

Here are a few I learned in boot camp.

Why did the Army get mules and the Navy got Marines?

The Army had first pick.

******

A young sailor went to the bathroom and took a leak. A jarhead was in there washing his hands and saw the sailor finish taking a leak and head for the exit. The jarhead said, "When I went to boot camp, they taught me to wash my hands thoroughly after taking a leak."

The young sailor replied, "When I was a young kid, I learned not to piss all over my hands."

******************

The young sailor was in the head, taking off all 13 buttons on his dress blues to lower the front panel. The young jarhead came in and commented, "I never understood why you guys have 13 buttons and that big panel on the front of your dress blues."

The young sailor replied, "We were told it was so you jarheads could enjoy your meal on something similar to a plate."

************

A young boy went into the restroom and saw a young jarhead at the urinal. He walked over and asked him if he was a sailor. The jarhead said, "Screw off kid, I'm a Marine!" The boy then asked if he could wear his hat. Feeling bad, the jarhead let him wear his hat.

A young sailor came in and the young boy came over and asked him, "Are you a Marine, too?" The young sailor jokingly said, "Why don't you s**k my d**k!"

The young boy said, "No thanks, I'm not really a Marine, I'm just wearing his hat!"

**********

These I learned in sub school, which is pretty close to the Cost Guard academy.

What does Coast Guard Sonar sound like? "Knee deep, Knee deep, Too deep, Too deep!"

How does the Coast Guard perform a rescue at sea?

All hands get on deck and start waving, the lifeguards come out and save them.

************

This last one is a true story, as told to me by my fellow crew member and semi-famous DSRV pilot.

So the thirsty DSRV pilot wanders into a bar and orders a couple of beers. As he's sitting there, he realizes a couple of helicopter pilots are making themselves out to be heroes to a couple of young lovelies right next to him at the bar. They're calling themselves "Naval Aviators" and bragging about combat missions when there hasn't been a war in 20 yrs. After awhile, he just can't stand the BS any more.

He leans over and says, "So you guys are a couple of helicopter pilots?" "That's damn straight!" as they're beaming with pride!

"That's odd, you don't look like any chopper pilots I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of them."

"And who are you?" "I'm Davey "Chuck" Norris and I'm a DSRV pilot."

"So what do all of the helicopter pilots look like to you?"

"Chuck" Norris then finishes his beer and puts it on the bar. He turns around and faces them, then suddenly hunches over like a dead man on an instrument cluster.

The two girls and two pilots recoil in horror as they realize what they're looking at. He casually straightens up, tosses his tip on the bar and says, "Have a nice evening, ladies."

[LakeSuperior]

I'll give this one a shot!

[socaldmax]

Let's talk about a subject near and dear to every sailor: sanitary tanks!

On an older sub, the black tanks are huge (thousands of gallons) and are rated for pretty high pressure, since they are emptied at sea by pressurizing to 100 psi over sea pressure. You can't do it near the surface for fear of detection, but you don't want to do it at test depth or even moderately deep depths either because of the volume of air involved. Sea pressure is about 46 psi/100 ft, so if you blow sanitaries at 300 ft, you're talking about 138 psi of sea pressure plus 100 psi to get the crap to move, so you have a several thousand gallon tank pressurized to around 230 to 240 psi. Of course you can' blow the tank down to zero, because if you release bubbles, you can get detected, so you stop as close as you can, let's say 100 gal remaining.

As the waste goes overboard, the pressure drops, so someone has to monitor the progress and add more air as necessary, then shut the valve. Now you have a nearly empty black tank pressurized to over 200 psi and all of the urinals and toilets are secured until the tank is down to internal hull pressure. Yes, this means that the huge amount of **** smelling air is vented inboard.

The good news is there are activated charcoal filtered vents placed strategically inside the boat. The bad news is that the guy controlling the "venting inboard" evolution is being "pressured" to vent faster by a group of guys who really need to take a crap but they can't until the tank pressure is 0 and it's safe to open the toilet 3" ball valve. So he vents inboard too quickly and the foul smelling air "tunnels" through the charcoal filters and they don't really cut the smell that much.

The good news is, in an effort to keep hull pressure down, they start a HIPAC 4,500 psi air charge, which helps keep the air pressure roughly the same as sea level. The bad news is, this horrible stench is packed into the emergency 4500 psi air banks and the next time we have drills or a real emergency, we plug in our EABs and this is the air we are forced to breathe to stay alive. YAY!!

A good friend of mine had the dubious honor of being able to produce the worst farts in the world almost on command. So there we were, on the midwatch, going nice and slow and catching up on paperwork, training, etc in Control when my buddy took a mouthful of trail mix and almost immediately started playing a tune out of his ass. Some people claim his farts were so bad, you could SEE them in the air. Like yellow with blue stripes, or purple with pink dots, etc. Regardless of color, they were paint pealing, eye watering, EPA Superfund site events.

So he starts ripping these bio weapons and as we all scramble to don our Emergency Air Breathing apparatus, he's chuckling and popping more trail mix into his mouth. Everyone in Control who could leave, left. The rest of us were "sucking rubber" which sounds just like a Darth Vader convention.

The Capt. woke up to take a leak and wandered into Control to see how everything was going. At first, he was puzzled why everyone except "B-Rad" was sucking rubber. Then the smell hit him, like a herd of elephants and he nearly dropped to the floor! The Capt hurriedly dons an EAB and then asks, "WTF B-rad! WTH did we ever do to you??"

Maneuvering, which is the nerve center of the engineering spaces, is about 200 ft behind Control and must always be apprised of ship or engineering evolutions. Right then, Maneuvering calls up on the 2MC and asks Control, "Are we venting sanitaries inboard and someone forgot to tell us??" B-Rad grabs the mic and answers, "That's a negative, Maneuvering!" "What the hell is that smell?" The Diving Officer grabs the mic from B-Rad and says, "B-Rad is eating trail mix again and blowing the place up!" "B-
Rad is blowing the place up, aye!"

After that, the entire crew was told to never let B-Rad get or make his own trail mix, ever again.

***********************

The only thing worse than sanitary tanks on a sub is Midshipmen. Thankfully, we only get them during their summer vacation. We usually got 4 or 5 for the summer. As is usual when dealing with someone forced upon me, I stayed cordial, helpful and as far away as possible. We NEVER hazed them.

OK, some guys hazed them a little. OK, some other guys might have hazed them a lot. But to be fair, they weren't quite human (nonqual) by submarine standards.

Every time we're in port for a short refit, someone has to go into ("dive") the empty tank and "close it out." It's usually one enlisted guy and for obvious reason, a very junior officer. This time, the J.O. decided it would be a very good learning experience for a Middie. The J.O. chose, as I would have, the biggest loser/whiner of the bunch. He treated everyone like trash and even the other Middies hated him, which says a lot.

So they suited him up with a hazmat suit, booties, gloves, an SCBA and a flashlight. They put a harness on him and as he climbed down the rungs into the tank, they held onto the rope. Once he got to the bottom, they dropped the rope in and shut and dogged the hatch. He was pretty fast, he was banging on the hatch almost immediately.

They left him in there for probably 5 or 6 minutes, but it probably felt like forever to him. They finally let him out and he climbed out, took off the Hazmat suit and stormed off to the CO's stateroom. He was screaming at the CO to take everyone involved to Captain's Mast. The CO could barely hide his smile and finally told the kid something along the lines of, "Listen kid, I'm the CO, you're a middie. You don't EVER tell me what to do!"

Then the CO explained to him that he was given that job by another officer because he was despised by all due to his attitude. It was supposed to be a learning experience, but instead it could be the end of his career due to his poor behavior. The CO talked to him for quite a while and the kid seemed to really listen.

I do remember his attitude seemed to improve greatly, even when he walked by and someone would sniff and say, "What's that smell??"

[Montanan]

Today's remarks on Fox & Friends.

I'm going to laugh, so as to be PC, because laughter is the best medicine, right? And I'm pretty sure one could take her comments to be a blonde joke.