The New Joke Thread

[GordMay]

[goguygo]

Originally Posted by El Pinguino

It is with great sadness I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of the COVID-19:

Pringles is feeling the crunch


At the tire store, things have gone flat


Stabila has leveled out


But Folgers is in the black

[GordMay]

[socaldmax]

That is what I thought, before I even read the caption...

[GordMay]

[GILow]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Money laundering.

[svmariane]

Lockdown. Stay at home "orders".

Social Distancing. Face masks.

The metric system, for god's sake.


Waiting for the CDC to declare this COVID-19 thingy contained:

“We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.” (Douglas Adams)

[Montanan]

Shots

[Montanan]

Projecting forward.

[Montanan]

Covidlympics

[Montanan]

Confusion reigns:

[chrisr]

Originally Posted by Montanan

Read any good books lately?

click on the pic and it pops up larger

cheers,

[chris mac]

If everyone in an office gets covid..... is it considered a staff infection?

[GordMay]

[Oceanride007]

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco’s store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tesco’s
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.