The New Joke Thread

[smbdyiam2]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I think he's doing it wrong. Take a wild guess what his wife is saying in the passenger seat.

"I think I'm going to be late for the beauty salon ?"

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by smbdyiam2

"I think I'm going to be late for the beauty salon ?"

You really are an optimist, aren't you?

I was thinking more like, "You will never stop and ask for directions, will you?" "Why don't you ever listen to me?" and the perennial "I swear to God I can't figure out why I married you!" Sprinkle in a dozen expletives or so, and there you have it.

[Montanan]

His theory on inertia never seemed to gain momentum.

[Montanan]

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

[smbdyiam2]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

You really are an optimist, aren't you?

I was thinking more like, "You will never stop and ask for directions, will you?" "Why don't you ever listen to me?" and the perennial "I swear to God I can't figure out why I married you!" Sprinkle in a dozen expletives or so, and there you have it.

my wife would never blame me for anything. She would worry about trivial things ---to me. Also kids in back seat would ask "are we there yet?"

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by smbdyiam2

my wife would never blame me for anything. She would worry about trivial things ---to me. Also kids in back seat would ask "are we there yet?"

I once asked a buddy of mine who made the decisions between the two of them. He said, "My wife and I split the decisions between both of us. She handles all of the small decisions, I make all of the big decisions. According to her, we haven't had to make any big decisions yet."

[Montanan]

Math was never this fun.

[Montanan]

A remark to direct for those that take away enjoyment.

[socaldmax]

A long time ago (about 22 yrs ago), I took a GF to HI for a nice week long vacation. One of the places I took her was a hike up to Sacred Falls. I had a nice waterproof camera and since she wanted to take pics, I let her carry it.

We started on the trail and about halfway up, it started to rain. I told her we needed to walk a little faster so we could get in and out before a potential flash flood hit the narrow canyon. We continued and the rain kept on increasing in intensity. We got to Sacred Falls and the falls were pouring a lot more water than I'd ever seen before, so I told her we needed to get a move on in a couple of minutes.

As we were about halfway back down the trail, the stream had gotten a lot deeper and more treacherous. Where it had been a mellow stream 1 ft deep, now it was rushing pretty fast and nearly 4 ft deep. Suddenly she slipped off a log and landed in the water. She freaked out and I instinctively grabbed her forearm and scooped her out and back onto the bank.

She started crying and getting all emotional and thanking me for saving her life and how much she loved me and etc. etc. I was a little embarrassed by her emotional outburst so I joked, "I couldn't let you disappear with my waterproof camera." As usual, that was the absolute wrong thing to say. She didn't see the humor in it, at all. Not even a little bit.

"You farkin' arsehole!!! You couldn't admit that you love me? All you cared about was your stupid farkin' camera?? You don't give a crap about me, do you? Why did I even come up here to this death trap flash flood canyon with you anyways!!"

Oh my God! I just wanted her to stop yelling, so I told her I loved her, I didn't give a crap about the camera, I was only joking because I was uncomfortable with the emotions, etc. She finally forgave me after a nice dinner and some seriously hard headboard bashing. That seemed to release a lot of her anger.

About a month later, we saw a news story that there had been a flash flood and some people died up there and it's been closed ever since. About 2 months after that, we downgraded our relationship to "friends with benefits" and I took her to HI again a few yrs later and then to LA when I worked on the BP oil spill in 2010. She still loved smashing the headboard, but at least she stopped using the "L" word. She jokingly called me "boyfriend #274."

In 2018 I ran into her again and she introduced me to "boyfriend #355." She then proceeded to embarrass me by telling him about the fun trip to Sacred Falls where I saved her life, except this time she thought the camera wisecrack was funny and she left out all of the crazy stuff she said right after the incident. This time, I kept my stupid mouth shut and just smiled and laughed.

I'll let #355 figure her out on his own!

[Montanan]

Every boat needs a good goat story.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Montanan

Every boat needs a good goat story.

There's a CF member named Goat who posts sporadically. He'd gone silent for awhile and another CF member started asking if anybody might have bumped into the Goat.

So I posted that he was well, hanging out at the beach, and getting along fine with the ladies.

Guy demanded "pictures or it didn't happen".

So I posted the below image.

I think it was around that time that somebody evaluated my routine contributions and gently directed me towards the joke thread.

[sailormed]

”smashing the headboard“ an additional expression for my english vocabulary

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

There's a CF member named Goat who posts sporadically. He'd gone silent for awhile and another CF member started asking if anybody might have bumped into the Goat.

So I posted that he was well, hanging out at the beach, and getting along fine with the ladies.

Guy demanded "pictures or it didn't happen".

So I posted the below image.

I think it was around that time that somebody evaluated my routine contributions and gently directed me towards the joke thread.

We've been evaluating your joke contributions.


We're strongly directing you to the anchor thread.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

I'm pretty sure this one's gonna bite him in the ass...