The New Joke Thread

[smbdyiam2]

Originally Posted by GILow

All I know is I’m eruditer than some. [emoji6]

I asked my wife if I was erudite or rude? She said No Your are more like "obtuse".
I asked whats the difference? She said that I was rude just didn't know it.

Hmmm Obtuse. She may have a point there.

Maybe that's why I am doing so good on this anti social virus thingy.

[LakeSuperior]

Another "old age and treachery" recounting...


I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed, "Thank you." obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

[LakeSuperior]

Eggs and bacon...

A day's work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig.

[socaldmax]

An older lady was in the parking lot, headed for the last spot on that aisle when a much younger man came flying up from the other direction in his Porsche and screached into the parking spot.

Enraged, she laid on the horn and yelled out the window, "Hey!! That was my parking spot! You took my parking spot!!" The young guy smiled a smug smile at her, tossed his keys in the air, caught them and chirped his alarm.

even more enraged, she backed up her Cadillac Fleetwood and put it in Drive, then mashed the gas pedal and the massive machine smoked the tires and hit the Porsche, driving it into the car in front of it and shortening it by at least a foot! She backed up again and rammed the Porsche with all of the power and mass of her huge luxury car and this time the Porsche crushed down another 2 feet.

As the young man stood there, frozen in disbelief and looking on in shocked amazement, she backed up again and rammed the Porsche for a third time, crushing it into a small pile of twisted steel and smoking rubble. Now the Cadillac was most of the way into the parking spot and the old lady slowly climbed out of her wrecked car. The young man was on his knees, sobbing uncontrollably.

the old lady tottered past the young punk, tossed her keys into the air and let them hit the pavement. She said, "That's how the old and the rich do it..."

[socaldmax]

A friend of mine I used to work with was retired from the US Navy, then he worked for General Dynamics for over 20 yrs and collected a 2nd retirement check and when I met him he was making great money where we worked. His house was paid off long ago and they had no bills.

He doted on his wife and every year, they went down to the local Cadillac dealer and he bought her a brand new car. The last 3 yrs or so, she selected the exact same model and exact same color. He asked her if she was interested in a different model or color and she looked at him funny.

The last yr she had to renew her driver's license and that's when they discovered she was legally blind. She could make out basic shapes, but she could no longer drive without her DL. They turned in the Cadillac and as usual, the dealer gave them very little for it, but she was crushed she could no longer drive.

Her husband theorized it had been going on for 3 yrs, which is why she kept picking the same model and color, thinking she was picking a different color.

[NavyDoc]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Eggs and bacon...



A day's work for a chicken. A lifetime commitment for a pig.

In Navy Leadership 101 I learned that a ham and egg sandwich demonstrated the difference between involved and committed...

The chicken was involved, but the pig was committed.

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[socaldmax]

[skipperpete]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by NavyDoc

In Navy Leadership 101 I learned that a ham and egg sandwich demonstrated the difference between involved and committed...

The chicken was involved, but the pig was committed.

Did they say what the bread was?

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Did they say what the bread was?

Wry

[socaldmax]

I sure asked for that one!

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Did they say what the bread was?

Originally Posted by svmariane

Wry

You two make quite the pair. Thanks for the chuckle.

[darylat8750]

Originally Posted by jeepbluetj

"I swear, as God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly...."

(somebody's gonna get that....)

Funniest half hour of TV ever!!