The New Joke Thread

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I asked my friend to help me clean my boat.
He said he could not because he was Polish.
I said I'm German. What does that have to do with it?
He said "I needed polish not Polish.

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Here he is, the guy with all of the privilege...

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A man walks into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he

wants. "I want bury my face in your cleavage and lick

the perspiration from your breasts'" he says.

"You filthy wotsit - get out before I fetch my husband!"

shouts the barmaid.

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts, and again asks him what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt on your

bum and lick it off," he says. "You dirty old man - get out!"

she storms. Again, the man apologises and swears never

to do it again.

"Now - what do you want?" He replies: "I want to turn you

upside down, fill your secret place with Guinness, and drink

every last drop."

The barmaid is furious, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband,

who's watching TV. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put

his head between my breasts and lick the perspiration off," she

says. "I'll kill him!" storms the husband. "And he wants to pour

yogurt onto my bum and lick it off," she screams. "He's dead!"

howls the husband, reaching for a cricket bat. "Then he said

he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my secret place with

Guinness and then drink it all," she cries. The husband puts

down his bat and slumps into his armchair. "Aren't you going

to protect my honor?" she cries, hysterically. "Look - I'm not

messing with someone who can drink two gallons of Guinness,"

he replies.

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Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at

his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

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Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: You and your wife agree, no more kids. Bad: She can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter has borrowed them.

Good: You give the "birds & bees" talk to your kids Bad: They keep interrupting. Ugly: With corrections and additional info.

Good: Your daughter has a new job. Bad: She's a hooker. Ugly: Your neighbors and co-workers are her best clients. Uglier: She makes more money than you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Four Sons...

Four Catholic mothers are having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest . When he walks into a room, everyone calls him FATHER."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, YOUR GRACE."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, YOUR EMINENCE."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The other ladies give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the girls say, OH, MY GOD!!!"

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