The New Joke Thread

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Yeah. I'll buy several of these for my wife.

[LakeSuperior]

First we discovered TikTok was a Chinese spying app, then we discovered China was putting spyware in the electronics they sell us...

And today the fortune cookie in my Chinese food reminded me I needed to buy milk.

[LakeSuperior]

My girlfriend insisted on a fairy tale wedding.

Fair enough. Before the ceremony I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

[jibstay]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

Why is the American "World" series only played by American teams?

The Toronto Blue Jays are in Canada.

[BlueH2Obound]

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Trump isn't
the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.

[Budicek]

What do you call a Bohemian with an abortion?


A cancelled check.

[socaldmax]

From an old episode of "The Practice."

A little 8 yr old girl got her face ripped off by a Rottweiler loose in the park. It took 11 stitches to put her lip back together and it wasn't a good job. Her family files suit and she was called onto the witness stand where she was cross examined by the defense attorney.

Attorney: "Did you walk over to the dog to pet it?"
Girl: "Yes."
A: "Did you come up behind the dog?"
G: "No."
A: "Did you sneak up on the dog?"
G: "No."
A: "Did you surprise the dog?"
G: "No."
A: "Did you antagonize the dog?"
G: "No."
A: "Is there any chance that this could have been your fault?"
G: "No."
A: "How close were you when the dog bit you?"
G: "Pretty close."
A: "Were you 12 inches away?"
G: "No."
A: "Were you 6 inches away?" Holding his hand out 6 inches away from her face.
G: "No."
A: "Were you 3 inches away?" Holding his hand 3" from her face.
G: "No."
A: "Were you 1 inch away?" Holding his hand 1" from her face.
G: Suddenly she lunges forward and bites 3 fingers on the attorney's hand! "Was that your fault?" she said sweetly.


She was awarded $150k plus free plastic surgery to correct her disfigurement.

[Montanan]

Originally Posted by jibstay

The Toronto Blue Jays are in Canada.

And from time to time they are true contenders and World Champions.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Montanan

And from time to time they are true contenders and World Series* Champions.


* they won a parochial competition allegedly named after a newspaper

There, FIFY

[darylat8750]

[QUOTE=skipmac;3165540]This is something that has annoyed me for years but I do know why it's so.

Measurements on finished lumber is based on the original rough sawn board before planing and finishing. So an actual 2x4 is cut from a log but before it's sold the rough cut board is planed and sanded smooth leaving a 1 1/2 x 3 1/2.


I think the finished dimension is due to the saw blade kerf. I don't believe I've bought dimensioned lumber that was planed or sanded.

[MicHughV]

ah yes, the " Blue Jays"... Canada, a first cousin to the USA...but get real...." Canada" hardly qualifies as the " world"...seriously, Canada is the USA's "neighbor"...seriously....the name " biggest....baddest...the world...the world's best, etc...is thrown out with wild abandon these days...." the most beautiful woman in the world...etc, etc, etc....
By comparison, lets talk the World Rugby Cup....this is played by nations across the globe, including the USA...it's a true " world" cup, worthy of the name " world"....that's my whole point...not trying to diss the USA, Canada or the "World Series"...just trying to point out the ridiculous name...considering this is an all America's sport.
I live in the NE Florida area. We have the J'ville "International" airport, but to my knowledge, no international passenger flights leave or arrive at this airport.There is no USA customs personnel at this airport for passengers. At some previous time, an international flight landed here, and the name " International" was adopted...

This thread really started with a 2x4 not really being a 2x4....I'm sure many examples exist....how many " true" blondes do you know ?? Ok, I've rambled enuff

[AKA-None]

MicHughV;
Snip
how many " true" blondes do you know ?? Ok, I've rambled enuff

Let me do some in depth research and I’ll get back to you

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

......



This thread really started with a 2x4 not really being a 2x4........:

Nope, this thread started with “The acronyms of "Wife" and "Husband"”

[ozzieKochie]

Some thread drift here- you do know who are the current world champions?

By comparison, lets talk the World Rugby Cup....this is played by nations across the globe, including the USA...it's a true " world" cup, worthy of the name " world"....that's my whole point...

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by jibstay

The Toronto Blue Jays are in Canada.

Yes... but Canada is in America...

Old Chilean conversation...

'merkin... 'I'm from America....

Chilean ... 'So am I ....

'merkin... 'but I'm from North America....

Chilean... 'So are the Mexicans....

Rather sad.... a country with no real name...

They tell me Dumbfukistan is available...