The New Joke Thread

[uncle stinkybob]

did ya know that "VEGAN" is actually an old Native American word?
translates to " BAD HUNTER" LOL

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by Therapy

This one is so good it has a thread of it's own here.

Oops. Didn't know that. Link?

[svmariane]

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.

[svmariane]

The dentist told him he will feel a pinch when he gives him the injection of the numbing agent.

The man says "No Doc I am allergic to that."

The doctor tells him "O.K. I'll give you Nitrous Oxide."

The man says "No Doc I am allergic to the gas."

So then the doctor gives him 2 pills with a glass of water & the man takes it.

The doctor comes back in 10 minutes & the man says "Doc will those 2 blue pills kill the pain?"

The doctor replies "No, that was Viagra."

The man says "Viagra!, I don’t need that! What’s that going to do for me?"

The doctor replies, "It will give you something to hang on to."

[svmariane]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is considered a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[svmariane]

And once again at the risk of being banned.........


What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?

The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?"

And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige..."

[svmariane]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman; and, she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open; and, it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,"What would you say is my best feature?" Embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? ! Look at these boobs, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? "

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[svmariane]

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[svmariane]

Q: How do you change a Fox into an Elephant?
A: You marry her.

Q: How do you turn a Stallion into a Pig?
A: You marry him.







There. Equality of the sexes in sexual offense achieved. You may now return to flagging offensive posts.

[svmariane]

It's TAX season for the Americans so here's something to remove the sting.
{Sorry if this was previously posted.}

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "OK. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you OK?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[atoll]

embracing multiculturalism


WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE MUSLIMS AND BLACK PEOPLE IN GLASGOW TODAY???

This is the worst day ever. I am currently hiding in an alleyway in Glasgow with no trousers and it’s all because of Muslims and black people.

It started at about 11 this morning, I'm just walking down the street on some Important White Guy Business (going to have coffee with a friend or whatever), when this random Muslim woman in one of those headscarf things comes up to me on George Square and asks me a garbled question. I didn't understand it at first so I had to ask her to repeat it, and she says, "What do you have to say about Dunblane?"

I thought she was trying to GET TO Dunblane, so I asked if she wanted me to look up directions on my phone, and she said, "No, IDIOT. What do you have to say about the Dunblane shootings?"

I was confused to say the least: "Dunblane? Uh... I have nothing to say about Dunblane." It was really weird, because she actually seemed pretty angry about something. Then she said, "Why not? Don't you think it was wrong?"

And I said, "Of course it was wrong, but that was 20 years ago, and, um, I wasn't really involved with it in any way. I was 14-years-old in 1996, I didn't even live in Scotland then!"

Crazy Muslim Lady then starts following me down the street screaming random place names at me:

"OKLAHOMA! UTOYA! OMAGH! PORT ARTHUR! COLUMBINE!” - with an airline thrown in at the end for extra krazee - “GERMAN WINGS!” - and I'm thinking, "What the heck is this? Is this a code? Is she having some kind of breakdown?"

I was actually getting a bit scared by this point (I’m a lover not a fighter, if you know what I mean), so I jumped on the first bus I saw, just to get away from her. I went to the back of the bus and saw her shouting and swearing at me as we drove away.

At the very next stop, some young Asian lads get on the bus, and they came and sat right in front of me. They seemed to be laughing at something, and then one of them just turned around, looked me right in the eye and asked me why 'my people' keep raping young girls.

“What do you mean?” I said, “I’m just a middle class white guy. I went to university, I’ve worked in the media - we’re good people! I’ve never raped anyone, and neither do ‘people like me’ rape people!”

(Couldn't believe I actually had to say that, it's so obvious!)

And the teenager replied, “****ing pedo. I know what your lot are like. Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile, Cyril Smith. Child abusers, the lot of you.”

“OK, whatever,” I said, thinking they’re just trying to wind me up. I moved to the front of the bus because I didn’t want any trouble, and then this old Sikh guy sitting there looks at me like I’ve broken wind, and he says, “They’re right you know, your holy book condones rape, even if you don’t.”

Now first of all, I don’t have a holy book. Sure, I’ve been christened and I celebrate Christmas, but I’m not what you’d call a Bible basher or anything. Nevertheless, I do know FOR AN ABSOLUTE FACT that the Holy Bible would never condone rape (unlike some other holy books I could mention).

“If you mean the Bible, that’s nonsense. The Bible is a book full of wisdom and light,” I said, trying to be well-mannered even though I was getting angrier by the second with all these uninformed opinions coming at me. Old Sikh Guy looked sceptical, so I told him the only Bible quote I know off by heart - “Ever heard of ‘All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, the Lord God made them all’? That's the message of the Bible.”

But that didn’t shut him up, not even a little bit!

“What about Oholibah in Ezekiel? ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I will stir up your lovers against you… I will turn you over to them for punishment, and they will punish you according to their standards. I will direct my jealous anger against you, and they will deal with you in fury. They will cut off your noses and your ears, and those of you who are left will fall by the sword. They will take away your sons and daughters, and those of you who are left will be consumed by fire. They will also strip you of your clothes and take your fine jewellery. I will put a stop to the lewdness and prostitution you began in Egypt.’ That’s your God arranging the rape and mutilation of a prostitute.”

I was pretty pissed off at this point. I didn’t even reply to his ********, I just jumped off at the next stop - and that’s when things went from Slightly Weird to full on Twilight Zone.

Standing at the next stop were a bunch of black teenagers, about thirteen or fourteen-years-old, completely butt-naked except for some kind of white patterns painted on their skin! They looked bloody freezing, so I asked what they were doing, standing at a bus stop with nothing on, on a freezing Glaswegian day.

“We’re Xhosas,” replied the tallest boy, “We’re on our way to a coming-of-age-ceremony. We go into the wilderness for a few days, and when we come back we will be men.”

“But why are you NAKED?!”

“It’s our tradition,” said the tall boy.

“Why are YOU wearing trousers?” said a smaller boy with World Cup ears and a cheeky smirk.

I laughed, “Isn’t it pretty obvious? Everyone wears trousers. I’m wearing them for modesty. I don’t want to walk around just revealing every part of my body to every random person I meet.”

The boys thought this was pretty funny:

“Sounds oppressive to me,” the tall boy said.

“Yes,” said a chubby lad with a big shiver. “Sounds like you’ve been brainwashed by your society.”

“Nonsense,” I said, “Trousers are objectively right. Why isn’t she covering her breasts?” I said, pointing at the only girl in the group, whose boobs were out and covered in goose bumps.

“Why should she? Why should a woman cover her breasts, but men don’t have to cover up? Don’t you think that’s pretty sexist?”

“It’s a woman’s choice to cover her breasts,” I said.

“So I won’t get arrested for walking through Glasgow like this?” said the Xhosa girl, rolling her eyes.

“Well… You might,” I replied. “I mean… You are exposing yourself. It’s pretty disgusting seeing a young girl dressed like that to be honest.”

“You know what I think is disgusting?” said the tall boy, “Your society making you ashamed of your Ham in the Hood!”

That’s when the mood suddenly changed, and World Cup Boy shouted, “Get his trousers!”

“Let’s liberate him!” said the chubby one.

“How can I trust him when I can’t see his penis?!” said the girl.

And they started trying to pull my trousers down! FOR REAL! I put up the best fight I could, but like I said, I’m a lover not a fighter, and with six or seven of them on me, I didn’t really stand a chance. They got the trousers off pretty quickly, and then my Thundercat boxers, and then they all just ran off down the road with the cheeky boy whooping and swinging my trousers around his head like a lasso! And then the tall boy had the cheek to shout back at me, “It’s for your own good! Don’t let anyone tell you what to wear!”

So here I am. I’ve managed to crawl into an alleyway and cover myself in bits of newspaper, but I really need someone to bring me some trousers so I can get home. Please, if you’re in Glasgow today with extra trousers, come and find me - SIZE DOESN'T MATTER!

Oh, that reminds me - when you see me in my naked state, please bear in mind that it is a very, very, very cold day.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by Therapy View Post
This one is so good it has a thread of it's own here.

Originally Posted by svmariane

Oops. Didn't know that. Link?

It was a long time ago.
Maybe it was this one but could have been before with it's own thread.
http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...-146369-2.html

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Therapy

It was a long time ago.
Maybe it was this one but could have been before with it's own thread.
http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...-146369-2.html

Results of a google search of this site for "Ode to the Credit Card Captains":

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...tml#post690153

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ml#post1195696

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ml#post1256607



And a couple of threads which have a later link to it:

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...tml#post935847

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...ml#post1646063

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by StuM

Results of a google search of this site for "Ode to the Credit Card Captains": {and etc.}

Well darn, Stu! You're starting to make me think I need to run a google search prior to posting a video link.


Well.... okay. Point taken.

[NoTies]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
















A: He heard the ref was blowing fowls.