The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by StuM

It's not gay if you're underway.

Never heard that before. That must be a skimmer thing.

[El Pinguino]

When I first went to sea I was given to understand that you weren't queer unless you were the f*ckee rather than the f*cker....

That was an interesting company... they had mail boats and fruit boats...

[StuM]

Originally Posted by skipmac

Is that something akin to every sailor has to take a turn in the barrel?

"The Navy runs on rum, bum and baccy"


or as Winnie allegedly put it:
Rrum, sodomy and the lash

[LakeSuperior]

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

[LakeSuperior]

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.

His furious wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been?" she screams.

The husband waves back to the snails, "Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!"

[LakeSuperior]

My boss walks over to my desk as the phone is ringing…

Boss: Why aren’t you picking that up??

Me: I pick up on the third ring, it makes me appear to be a real cool dude.

Boss: PICK IT UP!!

Me: [rolls eyes] fine. 911, what’s your emergency?

[LakeSuperior]

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear he's going to get a tough sentence

[Tom_F]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.



The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.



His furious wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been?" she screams.



The husband waves back to the snails, "Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!"

Reminds me of this song:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TLyI2f79j7g

[Jubilee39]

When the missile boats first started their 90 day fun cruises back in the day. the story goes that powers that be thought it would be interesting to send some psychologists on covertly to monitor the crew over long periods of isolation from society. It did not take long for the crew to discover this and they all proceeded to Psych the psychologists. They left just shaking their heads

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Jubilee39

When the missile boats first started their 90 day fun cruises back in the day. the story goes that powers that be thought it would be interesting to send some psychologists on covertly to monitor the crew over long periods of isolation from society. It did not take long for the crew to discover this and they all proceeded to Psych the psychologists. They left just shaking their heads

I can just imagine the fun they had psyching them out!

On our last WestPac, we had a rider from another boat who had skated most of his career and decided since his boat was in shipyard, he needed to ride my boat to get his U/I watches completed. It kind of pissed me off, because I was a hot runner who was working on Chief of the Watch and Duty Chief as a 2nd class. This guy was a 1st class who had been passed over a couple of times due to not being qualified COW and DC. So he would stand 1 6 hr U/I watch per day, then watch movies, read books, sleep in the rack for 12 - 14 hrs and it pissed me off. I was running the ET division, giving training, standing Electronic Technician of the Watch 6 out of every 18 hrs, and trying to get my U/I watches and he had bumped me off of the watch schedule.

Since he spent 12-14 hrs a day in his own rack and the rest of the ET division were hot racking (3 guys sharing two bunks) and standing real watches, it wasn't hard to talk my buddy Fischer into helping me with my prank.

The guy's last name was Jiran, which I translated to "Jump In the Rack Again Nuke." He was also overweight, but he was too lazy to work out, so he ate only soup, thinking he was dieting.

Every couple of days while he was sleeping, I'd remove his belt from his poopy suit (coveralls) and remove the buckle, then trim off 1/4" from the belt and put it all back. Every once in awhile, Fischer would do it for me so it didn't always coincide with my schedule. This went on for about 4 weeks and by then, he'd lost 3 or 4 inches off of his waist, but the belt was now 5 or 6 inches shorter than original. He couldn't figure it out, based on his belt, he was getting fatter, but according to the scale, he'd lost weight.

Eventually, he figured out his belt was getting shorter and a few days later, he caught me red handed pulling his belt out! He jumped out of his rack and he went to the Chief of the Boat to complain about it.

I followed him to the Chief's Quarters (Goat Locker) and watched as he told the COB that he caught me stealing his belt and that he suspected that I'd been shortening his belt for a few weeks. The COB looked at me and I admitted that I had been playing a prank on him for 4 or 5 weeks and shortening his belt.

"Why the hell would you do that?!?" "Well, he's an overweight slug slacker who is taking all of my U/I watches, doesn't stand any real watches, support my division, participate in cleanups or field days. All he does is take U/I watches, breathe my oxygen, eat the crew's food, watch movies and sleep 14 hr a day. This is a Naval warship, not the Love Boat!" He replied, "While that all may be factually correct, we agreed to let him on as a rider and get him qualified as COW." "I never agreed to that. He's been in for 12 yrs, I've been in for 5-1/2 yrs, yet we're both qualifying the same watch. As far as I'm concerned, he's a dink nonqual slacker and I'm a hot runner. I'm a crewmember and he's just a rider. I have virtually zero free time to get U/I watches, he's got scheduled U/I watches and then has 18 hrs off every day!"

He said, "This isn't the way to get things changed, you still destroyed another man's property." I asked Jiran, "Don't you have a spare belt in your seabag, as required?" "No." "Well, I'll give you mine to replace the one I shortened. It will still fit me, since I'm not fat." The COB was a wise man, so he had a solution for both of us. "Take his new belt, and we're done with the destruction of your property issue. We're also going to add Steve to the U/I watchbill and Jiran's U/I watches will be moved to available slots around crew members U/I watches, as it should have been from the beginning."

I never mentioned Fish's involvement in the prank, but before Jiran left, Fish told him he wasn't impressed with him either and asked him if he gained a lot of weight from eating and sleeping all of the time? Then Jiran figured out it wasn't just one guy messing with him.

[socaldmax]

Here is my plane. I forgot what model it is, but I bought it because the pilot came with it.

[socaldmax]

A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal. Ruger Pistol:
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here's her story in her own words:
"While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!

[socaldmax]

[LakeSuperior]

My son kept chewing on electrical cables.

So I had to ground him.

[LakeSuperior]

A husband and wife had been arguing all-day.

They passed a herd of jackasses, she drawls "relatives of yours?"

"Yes!" he says, "In-laws."