The New Joke Thread

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I can just imagine the fun they had psyching them out!

On our last WestPac, we had a rider from another boat who had skated most of his career and decided since his boat was in shipyard, he needed to ride my boat to get his U/I watches completed. It kind of pissed me off, because I was a hot runner who was working on Chief of the Watch and Duty Chief as a 2nd class. This guy was a 1st class who had been passed over a couple of times due to not being qualified COW and DC. So he would stand 1 6 hr U/I watch per day, then watch movies, read books, sleep in the rack for 12 - 14 hrs and it pissed me off. I was running the ET division, giving training, standing Electronic Technician of the Watch 6 out of every 18 hrs, and trying to get my U/I watches and he had bumped me off of the watch schedule.

Since he spent 12-14 hrs a day in his own rack and the rest of the ET division were hot racking (3 guys sharing two bunks) and standing real watches, it wasn't hard to talk my buddy Fischer into helping me with my prank.

The guy's last name was Jiran, which I translated to "Jump In the Rack Again Nuke." He was also overweight, but he was too lazy to work out, so he ate only soup, thinking he was dieting.

Every couple of days while he was sleeping, I'd remove his belt from his poopy suit (coveralls) and remove the buckle, then trim off 1/4" from the belt and put it all back. Every once in awhile, Fischer would do it for me so it didn't always coincide with my schedule. This went on for about 4 weeks and by then, he'd lost 3 or 4 inches off of his waist, but the belt was now 5 or 6 inches shorter than original. He couldn't figure it out, based on his belt, he was getting fatter, but according to the scale, he'd lost weight.

Eventually, he figured out his belt was getting shorter and a few days later, he caught me red handed pulling his belt out! He jumped out of his rack and he went to the Chief of the Boat to complain about it.

I followed him to the Chief's Quarters (Goat Locker) and watched as he told the COB that he caught me stealing his belt and that he suspected that I'd been shortening his belt for a few weeks. The COB looked at me and I admitted that I had been playing a prank on him for 4 or 5 weeks and shortening his belt.

"Why the hell would you do that?!?" "Well, he's an overweight slug slacker who is taking all of my U/I watches, doesn't stand any real watches, support my division, participate in cleanups or field days. All he does is take U/I watches, breathe my oxygen, eat the crew's food, watch movies and sleep 14 hr a day. This is a Naval warship, not the Love Boat!" He replied, "While that all may be factually correct, we agreed to let him on as a rider and get him qualified as COW." "I never agreed to that. He's been in for 12 yrs, I've been in for 5-1/2 yrs, yet we're both qualifying the same watch. As far as I'm concerned, he's a dink nonqual slacker and I'm a hot runner. I'm a crewmember and he's just a rider. I have virtually zero free time to get U/I watches, he's got scheduled U/I watches and then has 18 hrs off every day!"

He said, "This isn't the way to get things changed, you still destroyed another man's property." I asked Jiran, "Don't you have a spare belt in your seabag, as required?" "No." "Well, I'll give you mine to replace the one I shortened. It will still fit me, since I'm not fat." The COB was a wise man, so he had a solution for both of us. "Take his new belt, and we're done with the destruction of your property issue. We're also going to add Steve to the U/I watchbill and Jiran's U/I watches will be moved to available slots around crew members U/I watches, as it should have been from the beginning."

I never mentioned Fish's involvement in the prank, but before Jiran left, Fish told him he wasn't impressed with him either and asked him if he gained a lot of weight from eating and sleeping all of the time? Then Jiran figured out it wasn't just one guy messing with him.

Seirra Mist??
Not even the Google Jargon Translater worked for me on this one ..

[El Pinguino]

Meanwhile.. in the navy....

[LakeSuperior]

A teacher asks a student,"Tell me, what is Newton's 1st Law of motion."

The student replies, "I don't remember all of it just the last part."

"Ok then tell me the last part," says the teacher.

The student replies, "and this is called Newton's first law of motion."

[LakeSuperior]

I once jumped into the river in Paris. Everyone said I was insane.

[LakeSuperior]

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher,

however no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

[LakeSuperior]

Two men are discussing how they'll reach a light bulb that needs to be changed.

Man 1: would you like the ladder or the step stool?

Man 2: I prefer the ladder.

Man 1: ok then, step stool it is.

[Gerrit Coetzee]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Ah, understood!




She's standing over your shoulder looking, isn't she? Understood!

Why the thoughtless attack on the person of a poster?

Not only him, but then his wife too?

It is unasked for and takes the fun out of the joke.

Will ask that your comment/s be deleted.

[a64pilot]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher,

however no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

Ok, that’s good

[LakeSuperior]

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said, "Please, I am looking for one night stand."

I had the shop shut up and the door locked in an instant We went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, then a nice restaurant, then a club I know where they have a good floor show, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followed.

As the sun peeped over the windowsill, I smiled sweetly at her sleepy face and said "So how was that?"

"Was wonderful," she said, "but I still don't have a place to put a bedside lamp."

[LakeSuperior]

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said to her, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

[LakeSuperior]

My friends were mad at me because I ate all the chips at the party.

Seems that I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them

[LakeSuperior]

I plan on driving through England, and staying in Greenwich for a few days.

Not sure what to do in the mean time.

[LakeSuperior]

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

[smbdyiam2]

Hi Thursday july 23 my neighbor comes over and says he is going to check operation of our generator for the windy season here. turns and says it needs a new shut off valve. Comes back later in day and says he has ordered it and will be in mail Monday, Hi to my 2 daughters. later comes back to return my power washer says hi to 2 daughters, and part will be in Monday . I get email saying my order on a laptop for my wife is being shipped will be here Thursday the 30th. Friday he says will get it fixed monday hi to the daughter at home . Saturday he calls to say fix it Monday and Hi to both daughters. This morning at 7:30 AM ''early'' he calls one daughter to tell her He got the generator fixed and returned the washer and HI.
At 1 pm today Sunday the 26th the mail truck stops to deliver a package. I ask "ain't today Sunday?" He said yes but we deliver on Sundays for Amazon. He hands me a package with Walmart all over it. It is the laptop coming Thursday from Walmart.
I looked on calendar and it is Sunday 26 even computer says it is. Ever wonder why old people walk in a daze.
Oh i went and looked at generator and it has a new shutoff valve on it, must have did it about 6 AM this morning. Guess I will go drink the beer I've got for Wednesday.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by El Pinguino

Seirra Mist??
Not even the Google Jargon Translater worked for me on this one ..

Yep, we've been getting quite a few jargon filled "war stories" lately that are pretty much unintelligible to anyone who hasn't served on a US submarine. (a very limited audience)