The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

A little more current events...

[a64pilot]

Not a joke,
I used to do test flights out of Ft. Hood Tx, since I was at high altitudes for a helicopter, I'd flight follow with Houston Center who would assign me a squawk and give me traffic advisories. I would be as high as 12,000 ft.
18,000 to 60,000 is known as the positive control area, which means you had to be on an IFR flight plan and under positive control, above 60,000 is sort of, well almost space. Anyway I heard a request for FL 580 or so (58,000 ft). Controller laughed and said "buddy if you can get up there it's all yours" Answer was Roger out of 680 for 580, silence on the freq.
I always figured it had to be a NASA U2 or SR-71?

[D&D]

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that
at my age I don't really give a damn anymore. If walking is good for your
health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats
fish, drinks water, but is still fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives
15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives
for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are now mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to playchess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ...I gosomewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........? or did I get it fromyou?

[Buzzman]

I'm not sure, did you?

It does sound awfully familiar.

[dohenyboy]

The reason there are all the Russian dash cams is that there is 0 honesty there...
Anyway, how do you make an Asian blind?
Put a windshield in front of him.


Why can't things remain where i carelessly left them?

[Buzzman]

They do. It's just that you can't remember where that is.....

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by dohenyboy

The reason there are all the Russian dash cams is that there is 0 honesty there...

Supposed to be a joke thread, but that needs a bit of clarification. To wit:
Russians have the dash cams (and many times also rear-pointing cams) because the insurance industry there makes it extremely difficult to "win" a claim without darn serious proof. None of this "no-fault" or "equal fault" or "he said / she said" stuff. Prove it - or walk away without reimbursement.



So anyway, this Russian walks into a bar


A Russian, a Mexican, and a Texan walk into a bar…

the Russian grabs a bottle of vodka, takes a big drink, throws the bottle in the air, shoots it and says, "In Russia, we have much vodka!"

The Mexican grabs a bottle of tequila, takes an even bigger drink, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it saying, "In Mexico, we have mucho tequila!"

The Texan grabs the Mexican, throws him out the door, shoots him and says, "In Texas we got a lot of Mexicans"

{I'm probably gonna get shot for that one....



So this dyslexic walks into a bra....



Descartes walked into a bar and the barman said to him: "Are you thirsty ?"
Descartes replied: "I don´t think I am" ... and promptly disappeared.




A bear walks into the bar and asks "Can I have a……………………………………………………… Guinness?" and the barman replies, "why the big paws?"






And Thus:

A tourist walks into a pub in Galway and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

"Free Guinness All Night For The Person Who Can Pass Our Test!"

So the tourist asks the barkeep what the test is. The barkeep replies "Well, first you have to drink this whole gallon of poteen with naga peppers soaking in the bottom, the whole thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a brown bear out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The tourist looks incredulous and says, "As much as I would love free Guinness, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of peppered poteen, and then it just gets crazier from there. Just sell me a shot of Jamesons."

The hours pass and the tourist downs shot after shot, growing more self assured and stupefied all the while. Finally, he asks the barkeep, "Wherezz zzat poteen?"

The tourist grabs the gallon of poteen with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Then he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a horrible ruckus, roaring, crashing about, and screaming, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big bleeding scratches all over his body. He finds the barkeep and asks, "Now wherezz zzat woman with the sore tooth?"



And finally:

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to line up seven shots of his finest whiskey. The bartender does so, and proceeds to watch as the man quickly goes down the line, downing each with one gulp.

The bartender says: "Wow, I’ve never seen anyone drink like THAT".

The man replies, "You would drink like this too, if you had what I have".

"Why? What do you have?" said the bartender.


{Wait for it....................................}










Man: "Oh, about a dollar sixty five."




And now it's chow time, so: До свидания!

Oh, okay... here.... Let me google that for you

[justlearnin]

Being creamated is my last hope for a "smoken hot body".

[delmarrey]

Adult Truths (you'll have to be in your later years to understand some of these)

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font/icon.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories. (CF has some of them)

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again & again & again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I bet on any given Friday or Saturday more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. As soon as you find something at the grocery store that you really like, they will either move it or the company will discontinue it.

24. The driving of all the other people on the road has become markedly worse in the past few years.

25. The first testicular guard, the Jockstrap Cup, was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?

And lastly:
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my releases to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with headphones.

[senormechanico]

+100 for #20 !

[StuM]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Adult Truths..

Hey, I resemble those remarks.

[socaldmax]

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in…

I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.

[D&D]

The Value of Engineering

You don't have to have worked with an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $3 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $3 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.

He had the engineers check the equipment; they verified the report as accurate. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $3 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the new kid, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the doggone bell rang."

[svmariane]

+!
If you want to find the easiest way to get a job done,
give the task to a lazy man.

[D&D]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

Steven, a seasoned yet playful heartthrob, noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.

Steven replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."