The New Joke Thread

[sailorboy1]

It all started I believe with a beer! Bare with me and I’ll try to explain (you should go get a beer, or two, ahead of time so you will not have to get up during the story).

I admit I had already had a beer or 2 hours prior, so maybe that clouded my judgment some. All that I’m really sure of is that I went to get the beer out of the boats’ reefer, and the next thing I was wet and dead!

My theory is that when I opened the reefer to get said beer that opening the lid caused the systems’ pumpy thing to kick it. This apparently dropped the voltage of my group 3 house battery bank too low causing my autopilot to trip out. I don’t know why this would have happened as I had charged the batteries just the other day. Anyway, since I was out in the deep bluewater and had the stereo clanked up to max volume, I didn’t hear the autopilot alarm go off.

So I took the beer out into the cockpit to watch the sunset because that’s what having a boat is all about. As I sat there I noticed the sails didn’t seem trimmed and thought to myself “That can not be right as they were perfect just 3 hours ago, I know because I looked up the picture in my sail trimming book. I wonder if there is something wrong with the furler.” So I knew I needed to go forward and check that damn new age gizmo drum thingy!

Being a safe sailor who always thinks ahead I knew that first I needed to get my harness and tether so I would stay on the boat while going forward. So I went below and dug around till I found them, happy that I had read on CF of their importance. It took me a while to put the harness on as I could not find the scissors in order to open the package. Then it took a while to find my reading glasses so I could read the directions. But this could bethe difference between life and death so I hung in there!

So I got back to the cockpit and wouldn’t you know it, the damn crappy production boat didn’t have any jacklines! This was hard to believe that neither the builder or that damn broker dude who took my money had not bothered to install the lines and I thought to myself “When I get back from my 2 month sail around the world shakedown trip I’m going to find that guy and give him a piece of my mind!”.

In the mean time I found there were these nice stainless steel cables running along both sides of boat, so I clipped in and felt secure. The 8 foot length of tether line was perfect and allowed me to reach any point in the cockpit without any trouble.

I was about to head forward to take care of that furling thingy and get the sails straighten out, when it occurred to me that maybe I should start the engine just in case. So I turned the key on and pushed the start button and the engine fired up. But then it coughed a few times and died! Since I have done my reading I just knew this was a bad fuel problem as the engine only had 100 hours of run time since I got it and it had a 20 gallon fuel tank! But since I had taken precautions I had installed this super technical box to keep my fuel clean. While I can not actually see what is the box, the literature says that it has these special magnets in it and that this would keep my fuel clean and guarantee that my engine would always run. I bet that shipyard monkey dude installed it backwards!

So I head forward secure in the knowledge that I was wearing my harness and was attached to the boat. It would have been a lot easier if they wouldn’t put so many rods along the deck that those cables go though. I mean it just seems crazy to have to keep unhooking my tether every 5 feet and then have to hook it back on. And once in the middle of the boat I got all tangled up in this other cable that stenches up to that big pole the sails are attached to. But not to worry I made it and didn’t even drop my cigarette or get it wet (thanks go out to that Boatboy23 dude on CF for the tips on this)!

I was about to pull on the line that wraps around the furler thingy to get the sails trimmed, when I noticed the anchor. Now I have the best anchor ever on my boat. It’s a 20# Digdeep attached with 10’ of ¼” chain and 62’ of 6mm single braid. I know this is the best setup because a smaller Digdeep digs into the bottom at least 5’ every time because it is a modern anchor, and of course since I am concerned about saving weight (you know so I can store the extra 5 cases of beer) I had carefully read every CF thread. But the thing is that that the chain seemed to be twisted a little and I thought maybe that copper twisty swivel link “whatucallit” was stuck. So I kicked it!

Well this resulted in a broken toe and blood all over the deck (that’s the living rooms’ roof to you land people)! And in 2 months when I get back I’m going back to that Western Marine store that sold me these flip-flop boat shoes and get my money back. I mean these things don’t have any toe protection at all and it was already bad enough that they kept falling off my feet when I was going forward to start with.

So I’m jumping up and down using all the old salty words I had learned when I hear this weird sound. I don’t know how to really describe it, but it sounded like someone squeezing a clicker, or maybe a can of 3-in-1 Oil. I was starting to think that this was what all the talk about oil canning was when a 2 foot monster wave came out of nowhere (must have been 1 of those rouge waves I had read of) and shook the boat so hard that it knocked me right off my feet and over the side.

So now I’ll being drug alongside the boat by my tether, getting all wet, and my cigarette is out. I yelled out for help, but then remembered that I was alone. Now it never occurred to me that being alone (solo we old salts call it) was that big a deal as I had read this story of the first guy who went all around the world way back. Seems he had lots of experience as proven by his successful survival of a couple of boat crashes and sinkings. And get this, his boat was made out of wood and he used some magic kaliescope thing to find his position (this is how I knew this was an old fairy tale type of book), I mean be real!

Anyway back to being dug along in the water. I had taken precautions against this very scenario before I had been towed out of the marina to get underway (that means to get going on my trip). Having read of how often this happens I had tied a ¼” floating line at the back corners of the boat. I had read that this would make it easy to grab hold of if needed in order to pull myself to that ladder in the back. So I decided to undo my tether and float back to catch the line. Which brings me to a complaint; you would think they would make the tether so you could release it from either end! Good thing my mom taught me to take care of my teeth and I still had 4 and was able to chew though that tether (note to self look into marketing flavored straps).

So I was washed aft toward the floating line. But of course I missed catching it and had to swim after the boat. About that time the boat just seemed to have stopped in the water and almost seemed to be going backwards. A quick peek to the front of the boat and I saw that the sail in the front of the boat was on the wrong side. I’m going to try to remember that putting the front sail on the opposite side of the boat than the line holding it makes the boat kind of stop; this might be of use when writing my sailing adventurers when I get back and I bet there are lots of uses for being able to do this.

This allowed me to catch that line (I’m a genius) and pull myself back to the boat. I tried to get the ladder to flip over and to get the steps to slide out, but couldn’t. So I figured to just pull myself up. Now I’m an All American man of 350 lbs and this wasn’t any problem at all. In fact it was so easy that I decided to do a few pull-ups to get some exercise.

I was on about my 20th pull-up when the whale stuck and I lost my hold on the boat!

I don’t really know all the details the next few days as I floated with the current. But I awoke to this Sailor Chickee girl, or hag or something like that, standing over me. I thought she was giving me mouth to mouth and I was feeling like the day was looking up. After all I had been rescued and now was getting some action! But it turned out she wasn’t giving me mouth to mouth, it was some ragged looking bisexual cat (not that there is anything wrong with a cats’ sexuality, I mean if you don’t like it don’t pet the pus, strike that I mean, kitty).

Over the next couple of days I got to eat all the Mexican rats I could catch. All I had to do was sand and varnish wood on her boat (note to self - this seems like a lot of useless effort as it seemed to go bad about the same time I finished and I had to start on the other end again).

Well we got back to a place to stop and anchor. The locals didn’t like boats being there and I had to swim in at 2am and cut across this rich aholes house, which caused all these flood lights to come on and loud music to start playing. Bet his neighbors like him a lot. Chickeehag also said that in a few hours the Gestapo would be showing up to put bombs or something in the boat tanks.

I walked down to the local Costal Guard Station and told them my story. They asked me if my boats’ name was Super Sailor In Your Face and I said yes. They told me they had found the boat floating along just find and that a tow boat was on the way to get it and that it should be back in a couple of days. Good thing a got that basic Boat Worldwide membership to cover the towing costs, am I a master planner or what?

So In a few days I will have my baby back and think I’ll restart my trip. I’m hoping next time to get out of the outer harbor area!

[unclemack]

Has anybody got the CliffsNotes for this thread please?

Hard being funny, innit...

[ontherocks83]

Sailor boy, Great story! Very creative and funny

But you forgot to mention his Captain Ron instructional sailing video. It covers everything: International travel, storm tactics, pirates, engine maintenance, anchoring.

[Tayana42]

SailorBoy1 you now have my deepest respect. See-man-ship at its best.


S/V B'Shert

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

It all started I believe with a beer!

+1 Great one! And yes, definitely a better read with beer in hand (thanks for the heads-up on that).

[svmariane]

A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit you're exploiting," said the agent.

The farmer said, "That would be me."

[svmariane]

Currently there's a thread running about anchoring in Florida so about now this might be appropriate:


Florida Alligator Warning
Florida Advisory

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, boaters, golfers and tourists in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[svmariane]

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough
as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbilly man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

So he held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"





At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.

[OutOfControl]

Q. What does the Tupperware Corporation and a Walrus have in common?



A. They both like a tight seal.

[Tayana42]

This is a riddle not a joke but here goes...

Question:
What 5 letter word sounds the same if you take away the first letter...still sounds the same if you also take away the last letter...and still sounds the same if you take away the middle letter?





Answer:
Empty

mpty

mpt

mt

Empty


S/V B'Shert

[D&D]

Probably a repeat, but hope it still brings a smile or two...


1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. ‘Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly
see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that
he topped himself.

11.A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doc says
‘ l’ll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?' 'It's Not Unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

16 1 in 5 of the world's population is Chinese There are 5 people in my family,
it's not me, so it must be one of them. It could be my mum or my Dad or my older brother
Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b*****d!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

19. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said,
'Well don't go to those places again!

[avb3]

[socaldmax]

He's just being a clown. Everyone knows monohulls run on diesel 80% of the time and multihulls 100%.

[uncle stinkybob]

What comes after Easter Sunday?






Egg fart Monday!

[D&D]

Another from the oldies-but-goodies bin...

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."