The New Joke Thread

[LakeSuperior]

A general is being driven in a jeep through the desert on the way to a training exercise.

Out in the middle of nowhere, the jeep breaks down. The female jeep driver jumps out, opens the hood and starts working on the engine. The general, wanting to be helpful, finds a toolbox in the back and opens it. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asks.

"Might as well have one, it's going to be a while before anyone shows up," she says!

[LakeSuperior]

A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...
As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and tells them he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.

"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"

"Linda," the wife replies meekly.

"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"

"My name is Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."

[LakeSuperior]

Sometimes when I'm sailing out on the bay I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

[LakeSuperior]

Two plants are standing next to each other.

One of them says, "What did you have for lunch?"

The other says, "Oh, just a light meal"

[LakeSuperior]

And lastly for today I'll leave you with this to ponder...


How did the Mongol empire become so large?

One steppe at a time

[JoeRobertJr]

Originally Posted by S-V SAGA

Stephen Wright told a similar one.

He's riding on the bus and a beautiful blonde asian girl sits next to him. Isn't it an amazing day he says to her. She says, Yeah I guess. Why so down he asks. I can't tell you, you're a complete stranger. Sometimes it's good to tell you're troubles to a complete stranger on a bus. Alright she says, I've just come from my analyst and he says I'm an incurable nymphomaniac who only gets turned on by jewish cowboys. By the way my name is Susan, what's yours? Hi I'm Bucky Goldstein.

Steven Wright is one of my all time favorites.
“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'”

[ArmyDaveNY]

A blind friend of mine gave a list of puns. I was reading it in Braille when I told him "These are gong to be bad. I can feel it."

[ArmyDaveNY]

The other day I walked into a pub in Chelsea (In NYC, not the real one in the UK) and some clown held the door open for me. At first I thought he might be gay, but then I realized it was just a nice jester.

[ArmyDaveNY]

I am reading a book about anti-gravity, and I have to tell you I can't put it down.

[ArmyDaveNY]

A friend sent this to me in early March. I told him I knew it meant early spring because if it was late spring, it would have been a leaf spring.

[socaldmax]

[sailorphil9]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

Another variation...

If and eel has a maw with a pharyngeal jaw, that's a moray.

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that's a moray.

If King Kong has gone flat, rent the flick Vampire Bat: that's some more Wray.

When a grid's misaligned with another behind, that's a moire.

I can picture Dean Martin singing that!

[LakeSuperior]

Oldie that only gets better with time...


An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales. Artist, "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator, "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that they usually do. So he bought the entire gallery."

Artist, "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator, "It was your doctor."

[LakeSuperior]

The recipe said, “Set the oven at 180 degrees.”

I have no idea what to do, because now the oven door is facing the wall.

At first I thought this was acute joke, but I realized I was being obtuse and looking at it from the wrong angle. At least now I've got it straight.

[LakeSuperior]

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in.

It’s currently half empty.