The New Joke Thread

[Jim Cate]

Just remember, it's 1436 minutes in a year, not 1440.

No wonder time seems to be passing so swiftly... those years just fly by!

Jim

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

No wonder time seems to be passing so swiftly... those years just fly by!

Jim

Yep, one goes by almost daily.

[MicHughV]

other than navigational requirements...

time is kinda loosely defined....if some body asks me the time and I look at my watch and it sez 4:24...my response would be " it's almost 4:30"....good enuff for most people..."almost" being a time variant.....for some people "almost" is equivalent to "close enuff".....

when my wife sez she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know that to mean 30 minutes..."more or less" another time variant.

if she tells me that she'll pick me up at 5 pm...that could mean an hour either way..so I'd better be ready by 4 pm...even though 6 pm is the more likely time.....

when she sez" I just need to stop by so-and-so store real quick" I know that I will have time to drink two more beers...as " real quick" by my definition and her definition are poles apart.

so time is a loosely held gauge by any standards....

I don't know why watches have numeric numbers on them.....those numbers should be replaced by "almost"...."more or less"..." real quick'....."soon"...."in a minute"...." hang on, I'm coming".......

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by Jdege

Stars can be more precisely timed. Stand in a chosen spot, know what day of the year it is, and time when Sirius passes behind the neighbor's chimney.

Just remember, it's 1436 minutes in a year, not 1440.

On what planet or moon is a year 1436min?

A sidreal day is 1436m04.1s.
A solar day is 1440min.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

so time is a loosely held gauge by any standards....

I don't know why watches have numeric numbers on them.....those numbers should be replaced by "almost"...."more or less"..." real quick'....."soon"...."in a minute"...." hang on, I'm coming".......

Two approaches to that:

[snort]

Originally Posted by StuM

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scotsman, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean
all walk into a bar.


The doorman stops them and says “sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai..

Okay, now that I've finally got this one memorized, I just can't wait to tell it!

[Jdege]

Originally Posted by Adelie

On what planet or moon is a year 1436min?

A sidreal day is 1436m04.1s.
A solar day is 1440min.

Day, not year. My mistake.

And if you're using a chimney and a star to measure time, it's sidereal time you're measuring. The star lines up with the chimney four minutes earlier, every day.

[socaldmax]

I think I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

[BBViper]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

just curious.....how did the makers of the first clock know what time it was ???

They googled it.

[chrisr]

have to give this guy top marks for ingenuity !







cheers,

[El Pinguino]

Talking of time... some may find this of interest... worth a read while waiting for the next joke to turn up..
https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...hours-minutes/

[FAST FRED]

"just curious.....how did the makers of the first clock know what time it was ???"


No problem they simply waited for noon.

[GordMay]

I think my wife is a time traveler.
Doctors are saying we should avoid close physical contact, to stop the spread of the coronavirus.
Somehow, she knew about this years ago.

[MicHughV]

not so quick....

depending on where you are in the world...you can stand in one spot and be in "today", move 5' and you can be in " tomorrow".....that's some serious time travel...

In the USA.....time is saved...." daylight savings time"....which can flip an hour from one day to the next...

then there is GMT and UTC.....very confusing...

according to my wife, I'm never "on time" for anything...and to further confuse me, she use an hourglass to measure cooking time...even though we have a stove that will beep at a preset time...she will ask me " how much time left on the hourglass"....she doesn't think it's funny when I say 5 grains past the hour....

In England they say half past four....in the US they say four thirty...

my dad never had his first drink until the " Boeing flew over", which was the flight to London passing over our house around 5 pm...to this day, I refer to 5 pm as the time the Boeing flew over..

I think it's " time" I changed the subject...

[Jdege]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

then there is GMT and UTC.....very confusing...

GMT and UTC are far from confusing.

In GMT we have a fixed number of seconds, every year, and the length of each second varies from year to year.

In UTC each second is of a fixed length, and the number of seconds in a year varies from one year to the next.

I don't know how it could be more simple...