The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

I think I heard it on "Top Gear" from Jeremy Clarkson, before he punched a producer and got fired, then all 3 of them ended up with Amazon on "The Grand Tour."

[MicHughV]

Definition of tears:

The hydraulic water power force, otherwise known as feminine tears, which can defeat and reduce to rubble masculine willpower...

Aided and abetted by sniffles and whimpers can induce flower and diamond purchases from same masculine will power.

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

The French military's nickname of "Cheese eating surrender monkeys" must have been earned at some point later in time.

Not necessarily. Although a French sharpshooter managed to kill Great Britain's greatest (or at least the very least, most legendary) admiral, they still lost the battle of Trafalgar when 27 British ships of the line defeated 33 ships of the line of the combined French/Spanish fleet. The Brits lost zero ships to 22 of the enemy. Oops.

Here, for those interested, is a brief history of French Military prowess.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

Not necessarily. Although a French sharpshooter managed to kill Great Britain's greatest (or at least the very least, most legendary) admiral, they still lost the battle of Trafalgar when 27 British ships of the line defeated 33 ships of the line of the combined French/Spanish fleet. The Brits lost zero ships to 22 of the enemy. Oops.

Here, for those interested, is a brief history of French Military prowess.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

And Vietnam...the French started that one and then bowed out leaving America holding that fetid bag. Given their history, surely someone saw that coming?

[Adelie]

Viet Nan is indochina.

[chrisr]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I think I heard it on "Top Gear" from Jeremy Clarkson, before he punched a producer and got fired, then all 3 of them ended up with Amazon on "The Grand Tour."

i seem to remember basil fawlty saying it on on episode of fawlty towers too, plus i've seen it attributed to the monty python crew in 1975

either way, suspect it predates the simpsons

cheers,

[BlueH2Obound]

Originally Posted by StuM

The Battle of the Nile was against a French fleet.
The Battle of Trafalgar was against a combined French-Spanish fleet.
It was a French sniper (firing from a French ship) that killed him.

Who fired the bullet that killed Lord Nelson? 500 French Sharpshooters . . .


Sorry, I just couldn't resist!

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by belizesailor

And Vietnam...the French started that one and then bowed out leaving America holding that fetid bag. Given their history, surely someone saw that coming?

I suppose I could add the following two also:
-Mexico, 1860's.
-France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). The French efforts didn't end so well for Emperor Maximillian the first. Napoleon III didn't get paid by Mexico either. On the other hand (literally!), the French gained a holiday and Captain Danjou's wooden hand is celebrated in the Legion's Museum of Memory. (edit: I should have called it a day of celebration, not an official holiday. Camerone Day is a significant event in the Foreign Legion https://foreignlegion.info/2020/05/0...-camerone-day/)

-Panama jungles 1881-1890.
-No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

[BlueH2Obound]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

Not necessarily. Although a French sharpshooter managed to kill Great Britain's greatest (or at least the very least, most legendary) admiral, they still lost the battle of Trafalgar when 27 British ships of the line defeated 33 ships of the line of the combined French/Spanish fleet. The Brits lost zero ships to 22 of the enemy. Oops.

Here, for those interested, is a brief history of French Military prowess.

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

During Desert Shield, after trading a couple of cases of U.S. MRE's for French rations, I discovered that the French version of MRE's contained small bottles of WINE! What's not to love? They also contained large white linen napkins.

Note: The French 6th Light Division, located just West of Rafha in Saudia Arabia, advanced into Iraq during Operation Desert Storm, due primarily to a mixup on the part of French Army Intelligence. French Army Intelligence incorrectly identified rear echelon elements of the U.S. 82nd Airborne as Iraqi Republican Guard Units who had snuck around their Western Flank, crossed Tap Line Road, and were preparing to attack them from the rear! So they moved north into actual enemy territory, totally by mistake! Only the rapid surrender of the Iraqi forces they encountered prevented the widespread use of thousands of carefully saved napkins!

[MicHughV]

for a brief moment in time, while I was traipsing around in France...I dated a french girl, who, much to my surprise didn't shave her armpits...suffice it say, the relationship was short lived..

[MicHughV]

come to think of it....I don't recall that she shaved her legs either.....that memory is mostly blanked from my memory banks...

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

I suppose I could add the following two also:
-Mexico, 1860's.
-France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). The French efforts didn't end so well for Emperor Maximillian the first. Napoleon III didn't get paid by Mexico either. On the other hand (literally![emoji3]), the French gained a holiday and Captain Danjou's wooden hand is celebrated in the Legion's Museum of Memory. (edit: I should have called it a day of celebration, not an official holiday. Camerone Day is a significant event in the Foreign Legion https://foreignlegion.info/2020/05/0...-camerone-day/)

-Panama jungles 1881-1890.
-No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Ah, there is an upside to everything...and this one is actually relevant to cruisers (and other beer lovers). Maximilian's installation, being Austrian, resulted in Austrian brewers migrating to Mexico. They brought with them recipes for "Vienna Larger". Today, as a result we have "Modelo Negra" beer!!! [emoji481]

[boden36]

France also sent a military force to Ireland to aid a failed rebellion against England.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by boden36

France also sent a military force to Ireland to aid a failed rebellion against England.

A French invasion of Great Britain was planned to take place in 1759 during the Seven Years' War*, but due to various factors (including naval defeats at the Battle of Lagos and the Battle of Quiberon Bay) was never launched. The French planned to land 100,000 French soldiers in Britain to end British involvement in the war. The invasion was one of several failed and defeated French attempts during the 18th century to invade Britain.

*The Seven Years' War (1756–1763) was a global conflict, "a struggle for global primacy between Britain and France,"

[GordMay]

Donald Trump has finally tweeted something positive.