The New Joke Thread

[GordMay]

Now that we are all back at work from COVID, we have started a new exercise program. It includes such wonderful exercises as:
Running amok
Jumping to conclusions
Passing the buck
Point fingers
Climbing the walls
And my favorite exercise of all... diddly squats!

[GordMay]

I tried to explain the Sunk Cost Fallacy, to my friend.
He stopped paying attention mid-way through, but having gotten that far, I finished my explanation anyway.

[GordMay]

Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes, the reason is that we’re stupid or ignorant, and make bad decisions.
As John Wayne said: “Life is hard. It’s harder, if you’re stupid.”

[Singularity]

.....

[Eigenvector]

Little Johnny was told by a friend that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Well then Johnny, come give daddy a hug."

[Eigenvector]

Little Johnny was sitting outside a church playing with sulphuric acid. The priest came up to him and said "Child why are you playing with sulphuric acid? Thats dangerous! I've got some holy water inside that is much more powerful." Little Johnny relied "How come?" "Well last week I splashed some holy water on Mrs.Wilson's tummy and she passed a baby!" said the priest proudly. "Thats nothing," retorted Little Johnny "I spashed some sulphuric acid on my dog's balls and he passed a Ferrari!"

[Eigenvector]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psycology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid stand up!" After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Eigenvector]

Last one

[GordMay]

[johnny AoB]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro, what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Perfusser]

If the answer is "Cock robin", what was the question?



"Hey Batman, what's that in my ear?"

[GordMay]

[S-V SAGA]

Thanks for the Little Johnny jokes Eigenvector.

The teacher asked Little Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence..
Johnny stood up and said,, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!

[Eigenvector]

Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, It wasn't my fault" We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her butt.

I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!

"Johnny," the father said: "You don't do those kind of things to women" "They don't like that"

Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said: "Johnny, I thought we had a talk about this!"

"But Dad" Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault" There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress stuck in the crack of her butt.

Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that sort of thing, so I poked it back in.

[MicHughV]

little Johnny and his little friend, Jane, are in the park, discussing sexual organs....the conversation is going nowhere, as Jane cannot comprehend what Johnny is talking about...so Johnny decides to use some visual aid...
he whips down his drawers and explains to Jane " this is a dick, a penis is 3" shorter"